Wednesday, Nov. 21, 2007 9:40 p.m.

The Civil War

I've recently become really interested in the Civil War. I always kind of liked it, but now I am really into it and doing all kinds of research about it.

I was teaching two middle school boys yesterday and I showed them this video link that showed how control of the North and South changed throughout the war. When the Battle of New Orleans happened I made a comment about it being bad for the Confederacy because the Mississippi River was so important to transporting supplies, and one of the boys said "But aren't we cheering for them to lose?"

I'm from Texas. But I'm not really a "Southerner" in that sense, as Texas kind of has its own personality and doesn't share the same resentment of the Deep South. But it still really bothered me when the kid asked this.

I think it's a shame that what kids learn about the Civil War is that it was about slavery and that the North won, because they were good, and the South lost, because they were evil and wanted slaves.

The people in the South were not evil, and most of them didn't own slaves. The South fought for their land and for their state rights...for what they believed to be right. Thousands gave their lives for more than just slavery - and it saddens me that that was all their lives are reduced to in today's textbooks.

The film I worked on today shot in a cemetery. Several of the graves nearby were from the mid-to-late 1800s; a few even mentioned that they were Civil War vets.

150 years ago no longer seems so far away anymore. I stare at pictures of the people I've been researching, and they seem exactly like me, only stuck in a different photograph that will only let them be in black and white.

I know that my life is only a photograph to the future. I know that I will one day be nothing more than a gravestone. It's a strange thought - I will soon be no more important than all who have passed before me...and I wonder if the future will find any interest in me.

I wonder if history will understand me correctly, or if it will even include me at all.

I really find the Civil War so fascinating. I long to teleport myself there, just to really understand what it was like...and if they fully knew how important they were to the history of this country.

The world is so amazing, and there's so much to think about. I just hope that it all has a point someday. And that after I'm gone that someone stands at my gravestone...and wonders, like I wondered today, what purpose I played in it all...what my life was life...if my existence was worth it...

I hope I am alive for a reason.

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Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying

Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.