Saturday, Nov. 27, 2010 11:09 p.m.

I guess I'm bah humbug

I'm in a strange mood tonight. We're setting up the Christmas decorations, but for some reason, I'm just not in the Christmas mood. At all. It's almost as if I don't really know why there is even going to be a Christmas this year.

I'm not going home for the holidays. We're doing nothing. We had planned a Habitat trip to Ethiopia - but that fell through. Then we booked a cruise during the holidays - but then that ship caught fire and our cruise was canceled. So now we're doing nothing.

My younger sister will be having her baby a couple days before Christmas; I have no bit of excitement over becoming an aunt, in fact, I'm slightly repulsed by the thought of it. I don't want a niece - I want my own child. The thought of that baby just reminds me of our own failure. Reminds me of how isolated I'm becoming from the thing I thought I'd never become isolated from: my own family.

I kind of just want Christmas to be over with this year. I'm buying my presents for people, like I'm supposed to. I'll make our Christmas cards and send them out, like I'm supposed to. I'll get dressed up and go to friend's Christmas parties, like I'm supposed to. But no matter what I'll be doing, I'll just be passing the time.

My family has always had a ton of Christmas traditions. It's always been a good time. I don't know Christmas any other way. Every single Christmas morning of my entire life has been spent with my sisters, at my parent's house, and we wait patiently to be allowed downstairs. We all sit in the same places on the couch. Presents are always lined up the same way. Opened the same way, in the same order. One at a time, and then stocking last. Then we all make the traditional Christmas breakfast. Things have always happened the exact same way. For the entire 30 years of my life.

This year - I'm gonna wake up, just with K, way out here, alone, in California. No sisters to wait with. No wrapped presents, in color coordinated wrapping paper based on the recipient, will be waiting near the tree. It was just be K and I. And our dog.

How is that Christmas?

We were at Target today. Picked up some dog poop bags in the pet section - they had some Christmas dog toys nearby. We bought some chew toy thing, you know, so our dog will have a Christmas present. Our DOG. Our crude substitute for a child. Like our dog even knows what Christmas is. But hey - our dog will be excited for its new toy and isn't that what Christmas is all about: excitement and new toys?

So like I said, it's all just put me in a weird mood.

previous | next

Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying

Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.