2001-11-30 6:57 p.m.

i cried tonight

I had to force myself to get on here and type something. I'm surprised that I'm even sitting here. I'm typing as slow as possible right now-both to not make any noise and suggest that I'm a loser sitting at the computer on a Fri. night and also becuase I'm fighting writting.

note:this will be a very long and annoying and depressing entry and so I don't blame you if you don't read this. But then again, no one's been looking at my site for the past few days, so I guess I don't have to worry about anyone even bothering with it.

I cried tonight. I had forgotten what that feels like, when youre face is all wet and sticky and you try to hide in your pillow but only succed in smearing your tears everywhere and your hair is all stuck to you and you feel like a huge, misirable loser. I don't even know why I cried, there was nothing big or bad that happened, only a few little thing that I let myself turn into cause to be depressed. i came home and put my stuff up and then was gonna get food 'cause i was super hungry since i haven't eaten since this morning. well, my roommates boyfirnd came over then and they sat on the couch and i just didn't want to come out of room and in the kitchen with them (i live in a TINY apartment, there's 4 rooms, 2 bathrooms, and a kitchen/living room. there's not even really a halway) so, i didn't want to leave my room and go where they were. well, i havent got much sleep latley and decided to take a short nap. bad idea. there's no such thing as short naps. i woke up and it was dark and i felt like i wasted a huge amount of time and felt very unproductive, even though i got a ton of things done today. my roommate and her boyfriend were still on the couch and i was still hungry. my other roommate was here(my best friend) and she kept yelling at me to get up so we go do something, but at that point i didn't care anymore and just wanted to go to sleep even though i wasnt tired at all, but depressed.

i wanted her to come in here and make me get up and go someplace fun, somewhere that would knock me out of thinking about my depressed self mood. but she, i guess thinking i was bummed and wanted time to myself, came and borrowed a shirt of mine and asked if I wanted to go to a party with her. i said i don't know because i really dont - i want to not be in this mood, but i'm in no mood to try and be social. then she said, ok ,just go back to sleep and she'll be home later.

i went in her room to talk as she was getting ready, but my other roommate came in, all cheerful and happy and i just wanted to hide, because i was ashamed that i was in such a horrible and depressed mood. my best friend dosent even know about my depression, i sure as hell wasn't going to act differnt than my usual friedndly strong self she always sees my as. but i couldn't act happy, i just wanted to cry. so, i laid on my best friends bed like i was tired and falling asleep, just so i wouldn't have to act.

my best friend asked if i was ok after the other roommate left and i said i guess so. she asked if i was just PMSing. god, i hope not. I really felt like i couldn't control my emotions. i've never felt like that before. yeah, i get depressed and have no desire to pull myslef out of it, but i never felt unable to pull myself out if it. i felt unable tongiht.

i went back to my room, got in bed and turned off the light, my roommate followed and wanted to know if something had happened. i said no, but i wish so that i had an excuse to act like this. she said i was probably just PMSing son so after I assured her, yeah, sure, that's what it is, I'll be OK, she left for the party.

my other two roommates are still here right now and i'm in my room playing i'm asleep. my door is shut and locked and the lights off - i'm typing this by the little light from the computer. i'm still hungry and i still can't sleep. i can hear them in the living room, all happy and baking christmas cookies. it makes me sick. oh wait, i hear some guys voice, which means someone's over. great, i'm really staying in here all night. the sound of music is on. i love that movie, but i can't the sound of it and the sound of hearing my roommates. I'm putting on headphones and a CD, so that i'll be even more stuck in only what's going on around me (I feel like my mother is wishpering in my ear).

i can't wait for it to be like 2am or whatever so my roommates will all go to bed and i can leave my room and something to eat.

this is depressing. I'm depressing. i'm so ashamed that i'm letting myself get like this.

OK, i've written everything out in here. what should i do now. i'm still not tired.

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