Wednesday, Dec. 05, 2007 10:23 a.m.
"he's a product of young women like you"
There's a sign outside the fertility clinic I visited this morning, nicely and politely asking mothers not to bring their children with them in the waiting room, as it's somewhat painful to the other other women struggling with fertility.
I myself even felt young and out of place sitting there. I wondered what the other women were thinking. Was it obvious that I was a donor, not there because of my infertility, but because exactly the opposite?
A lady came in soon after I arrived, her 2-3 yr. old son in tow. I didn't say anything, but I glanced at the posted sign; surely she knew it, and had ignored it. I watched her. She was one of those mothers who you knew doted on her son. He could do no wrong, and she was just the bystanding caregiver in awe. I bet she conceived him though the use of this clinic, I thought.
She made small talk with me, loudly, as though she owned the waiting room, as though her and her son were the center of attention (which they were), asking about the knitting I was doing.
Then she leaned over, and in a not loud, not quiet, but definately noticeable way, asked, "You don't have to answer, and I hope you don't mind me asking, but are you a donor?"
"Yes", I answered quickly and quietly, kind of embarrassed and not wanting to verbalize what I already assumed might be obvious to everyone else.
"You know, he's a product of young women like you", she said, smiling, hoping to make me feel touched by the comment. I feigned an appreciative smile and thanked her, as though I were both surprised and touched at the same time.
But I was neither surprised nor touched. I had already assumed he may have been a donor baby, and didn't really know if I felt touched by that thought. I still needed more time to process that, if this all works out, there will one day be a child like him, but looking somewhat like me...that would be made of half of my genes. MY genes, that are in my body, right now.
It as strange of a thought as being on the other end, realizing that your baby, that you love and are raising, is not a part of any of your genes at all, but the genes of a stranger.
It's strange to think that even my own kids someday will only be half me. Half me, half K. Any donor kids would be half me, half some strange man. I wonder if they'd have any of my mannerisms or characteristics? Probably not.
It's all so intriguing to think about...but it doesn't turn me off from the idea of doing it. It does make me curious about what K and I could make together though...
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.