Monday, Dec. 16, 2002 3:59 p.m.

Fall '02 - my life turned inside out

I knew this past semester was going to be a hard one. I knew it would be stressful (taking 19 hrs., waiting tables, living w/3 engaged girls) , and I knew that I was going to have to be a different person than in all the semesters before - I was going to have to be me - the real me.

still, I had no clue what was coming...
The semester from hell.

...but it was the semester that I needed. thank god it's over. it's been a trip. an emotional roller coaster ride that most likley still isn't over, but at least I'm beginning to get used to the motion of it.

ALCOHOL
Ok, so I had gotten drunk once before this semester, but I have never been a drinker. I came into this semester still knowing very little about this stange world of alcohol. Just in these past months, I've: aquired the taste for beer, learned several of the bars in this town (I'd never even been to one before), learned why empty stomachs are bad to drink on, that 'liquor before beer, you're in the clear, beer before liquor, never been sicker' rings true, that water in your body is absolutley necessary, and that having someone in your group of friends get a DWI and spend the night in jail really makes you be responsible.

But I've also learned that alcohol causes drama. Don't get me wrong, drinking is fun, and there's something bonding about getting drunk with someone. Especially at a school like this in the bible belt where drinking is absolutley against the rules. But sometimes, it gets boring. It makes people say and do things that they normally wouldn't and therefore causes unnecessary drama and embarrassment. I still like drinking, but I guess I'm just learning that the best kind of people don't necessarly have to rely on alcohol to have fun. And that's the type of person I want to be.

RELATIONSHIPS
Yes, I did get into my first relationship this semester. It's amazing the things I learned. I don't know what it is between guys and girls. I don't know why we need each other so much. I don't know why I feel more complete if I have a guy to care about me, to hold my attention, and to make me feel special. I don't know why we girls care so much about how we are viewed by guys; I don't know why it matters. But it does. Guys are confusing, they get in your mind and stay there more than you want them to. I think it's interesting that there is this inner desire for girls (and I'm assuming for guys too) that can only be satisified by the opposite sex. Maybe our differences are the missing pieces to each other...maybe we were meant to be the way we are...

I've also discovered this semester how much I need to be around people. I need a social setting. I rely too much on other people; I want to be liked, I want to be known. When I feel like I'm not important to my friends or to people, I lose it. I never really believed that dating someone screws up friendships - but I definitly feel like my place in my group of friends is still weird and not back to normal and I really don't think I know how to take this well.

MY FUTURE
So, my plan has always been to move back to L.A., get a low level job in film, and work my way up. Sure, I might have to wait tables for awhile to make ends meet, but the excitment of never knowing what tomorrow would bring would be enough to get me through.

I wish I hadn't started thinking about all this this semester. I wish I still felt as passionate about this as before. But I've changed this semester. I think this was my dream only because I wanted the freedom to be myself away from everyone else. I wanted the oppournity to think and feel however the hell I wanted to.

But now, I'm just scared. I've opened up this semester. I figured out that I can be me no matter where I am. I've realized that I like my family and I like being around them. I've realized that I'm sick of being fake and don't want to play the Hollywood game of being at the right social functions or talking to the right people, or being at the right place at the right time. I don't want to have to pretend that I like people only for the politics of the business, nor do I want people to pretend to like me for the same purpose. I want real friends, I want people to really care about me. I don't want to be lonley again. I was lonley eariler this year out there. I want to feel like I belong, I don't want to feel like just another nobody out there trying to make it. And that's what I would be.

but I still love film. I love everything about it - how it influences culture, yet is influenced by it. How it is commerical in its purpose, yet thrives soley for its commerical revenue. How it is an illusion of reality, yet is a reality in and out of itself. It facinates me and I love the power it posseses.

I just don't know what I want to do anymore. Maybe I should just become a history teacher and lead a simple life, but a life that is full. Maybe I should just be a mother and stay at home with my kids. Maybe I should move to a small Texas town and open a theatre, like The Magestic.

I wish I still knew and still had that drive. If I'm going to L.A., I need to find a job, but I don't feel the desire to push me to search as hard as I need to to get one. I guess I'm still planning on going to L.A., mostly because I don't know what else to do, but I'm scared to death of going out there. I don't think I'll be as happy as I had once imagined.

Maybe I'll just join the Peace Corps.

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