Thursday, Dec. 17, 2009 8:10 p.m.

what ttc does to me

ahh...the ttc life is a strange one.

CD2 always feels so good somehow. The crazy mental drama of 12-14dpo with BFNs is over, AF has arrived, cramps have mostly subsided and just like a dawn, all that is left is the promise of starting anew. And by CD4 or 5, I've completely forgotten the darkness.

I'm always amazed at how quickly I pick myself back up. The previous lows are always really, really low.

There was optimism this time. Posting another ad, reaching out to possible new IPs, feeling important again, knowing that through another ED or two that it could/would actually happen for us. A plan. Not the ideal plan, but a plan. A certainty.

And then I went out to lunch with a friend today. One I hadn't hung out with in forever. She wanted to have lunch, so we did. But now I'm thinking too much...wondering why she wanted to have lunch...what she meant by some of the things she said. They could've been innocent remarks, but then they could have been her way of hinting at something that I didn't catch...because I clearly didn't want to catch something like that.

Why was one of her first questions about how long we'd been married now and if we're thinking kids? Why when after I told her that we'd actually been trying for awhile now with no luck (I don't know why I actually told her this), did she make mention of the fact that it could be worse and that she knows people who weren't even trying and got stuck with an accident. Why did she randomly mention that she's been really hungry and eating so much lately? And why did she keep telling me not to worry about getting pregnant and that it would happen in it's own time? Did she not just listen when I told her that we'd been to a doctor about it, and did she not remember when she asked if it'd at least be able to happen that I told her, "only with help". Does she know what any of that means?

I don't think people are aware. It is not just going to happen. We are past that. It will only be "meant to happen" when we have enough money for it to happen.

sigh. I was being so happy about everything too. Stupid me and thinking. God, I really hope she wasn't trying to hint at something today...how can I be the only loser I know that it doesn't just opps accidentally happen for? Me?? I've been a motherly figure since I like 11. I was changing diapers when I was 8. I vividly remember dreams in my late teens about being pregnant; I may have been naive and innocent about sex, but when it came to pregnancy and babies, with my five younger siblings, I could've been ready to be a mother at 14.

And I'm the one who doesn't just accidentally fall pregnant? Who won't be a mom until I'm at least 30?

oh well, right? life sucks.

anyways - in related news: I've decided that when it does happen for us, I will not announce it. At all. No facebook statues, no belly pictures, no blog entries, nothing. If I've had to go though all the emotions of my egg donations and ttc struggles in private and without being able to talk about it in public...well, then why should I share the joy of my hard-earned pregnancy in public with anyone either? I've had secret sadness; I'd like to have some secret happiness as well.

Of course, the above precludes this diary. This diary gets all of my sadness, so it can have all my eventual happiness too. :)

And I am really excited about getting to start donating again. And I still love my job. So things aren't all bad.

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