Sunday, Dec. 20, 2009 9:57 a.m.
it's time for a happy entry
I feel like lately I've been writing a lot of sad entries in here. Usually about my failure at ttc, other times about my relationship with K and the struggles we face in marriage.
But today I am going to write a HAPPY entry!
Marriage. It's interesting. We've been married for 4 years now, which is just crazy, cause when I say that I sound like an old married woman. But I don't feel like that. Though maybe I am.
I was always realistic about marriage and never thought it was going to be a walk in the park, but now after 4 years, I can tell you that overall, it is a commitment. It takes work. Sometimes being married sucks, but other times it is amazing, and the amazing parts really do outweigh the sucky parts. Getting along with a spouse does not come naturally. Seeking advice is actually ok. I see now that a successful marriage truly takes effort on both parts and a willingness to understand each other and compromise...the longer we are married and the more difficult things we have to go through...the prouder I become of making our partnership work.
We didn't date for long, but even still, I don't imagine that even long-term dating relationships feel quite the same as marriage. Maybe at first, but once it sinks in that you two are in it forever, that there is no possible end date if it gets too tough or you find someone better, and that you absolutely have to find a way to work your problems out...well, that's the difference between being married and dating.
(and I'm talking about real marriage here, like the old-fashioned view of marriage, not the modern view where people just get divorced if they are unhappy)
Marriage is commitment, and commitment does feel a bit trapped. But there is an amazing freedom that comes with the bonds of marriage - if you're open to discovering it together.
ahhhh...I love my husband. I love him way more than I did when we were dating or even newly married. I respect him. I truly cherish him. I hope everyone has this one day.
__________
I really love my job. Yes, I hate being home by myself and that sometimes depresses me. But my actual job: I love it. I need to write a whole entry on it because it is so unique. I still teach, I still have students, but our interaction is very different than a typical classroom. The ways I'm allowed to teach or so different. No one has had this job at this school before. here are no particular expectations; I get to create the expectations for this position. I get to play around with internet technology and how I can use it to teach virtually. I am excited about new ideas and want to go out of my way to do new things. It's great. I'm very thankful for it. I couldn't ask for a better job.
Ha, now let's just hope nothing happens and they don't decide to get rid of the position next year or something! :)
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.