Thursday, Dec. 27, 2007 12:30 a.m.

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sometimes I feel like, with just a little bit of the right alcohol in me, I have more honesty and clarity in my life than I do at any other time. I am able to say things, that I have always thought, without the worry of sounding wrong in saying them, or saying them incorrectly so that I do not say what I mean.

I am less afraid of taking chances with my word choice. or even saying what I do. I don't analyze it first. I don't think as much.

I told my husband tonight that alcohol, as sad as it sounds to say, makes me feel normal. It clouds my mind, lets me focus on only one thing at a time. it lets me feel, it lets me wonder at the centrality of my being, it lets the details fade into unimportance.

I am slightly tipsy right now.

and I am thinking. in a good way.

I want to remember this time of my life as one of uncertainty, and most importantly, of unimportance. I am afraid of where my life might take me. I am afraid that I will fade off into the nonexistence of time. I am afraid that I will never have a place in remembered history; that I will have never been worth existing. I feel it is too late to begin anything worth noting, and I feel like I missed out on a great many things in life. I do not know if the majority of these things I missed were because a fault of my own, or of my parents, or of another; I only know that I feel that I have missed my life's potential.

I am just as lost as I have ever been, only in a different way than my younger youth. I am confused and worried, but I know that I am now alone in my feelings, as once you leave your early 20's, no one seems to really care where you are going, or what you have the potential to be any longer.

life is so absurd to me, and I can't understand its' purpose. is there a reason to our day-to-day existence? is there anything after? I'm so curious and so afraid of all the bad ways my life could end that I often find myself just wishing it were all over now. Just so I'd know what came next. just so I'd have answers. Just so.

being home for the holidays always does odd things to me. yesterday, greeting relatives at christmas dinner, I wondered who these people were. I knew we shared blood, but I felt no connection to them. the hugs were empty, perfunctory. surely they didn't feel anything towards me either, right? why would they? we had nothing in common. surely it was all just an act. why do people still act?

I just don't understand things.

my mind is strange. it thinks in weird ways that I don't imagine others think. I want to set it free, I want to be something greater than I am now...I just have no clue how to be.

previous | next

Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying

Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.