Monday, Dec. 30, 2002 12:43 a.m.

what's a new year without resolutions?

it's that time of year:
out with the old...in with the new...
I've never actually made new years resolutions before - I always thought they were empty promises made my people who were trying to create remedies for mistakes made in the past year - but I think I may actually make some this year, just 'cause it'll be fun and I could use some goals to strive for in the coming year.

2002...so far, probably the craziest year of my life!!! in my BRIEF look back, the overall theme this past year has been:
figuring myself out.

It's been a very unstable year. many, many changes in myself, but I'm finally figuring myself out. It's such a funny thing - you grow up all your life (especially in religious environments) knowing certain ways for how you are and how you're supposed to behave in life. You become the person everyone thinks you are. It's cruel. You are popular or a dork or a loner because that's how people treat you and you've taught yourself to consider yourself as. You find meaning through the things that you are supposed to for 'who you are'. I behaved like a sweet, innocent, good girl because that's what everyone thought of me and I had no idea how to behave otherwise.

So things changed...I've started to become my own person...but I had no idea how to do that or who I wanted to be. It was like someone else had carefully packed this suitcase which is who I am. and I had grown accustomed to the way things were organized to the point of thinking that's how I organized things. Then the suitcase breaks and I have to re-organize a new suitcase, but I realize that I can re-organize in a different way. But it scares the crap out of me because I don't know the best way to pack things, and I don't know any of the "Guidelines to Packing Suitcases in Ways That Make You Happy". So I just guess and learn by trial and error. Yeah, it'll be a VERY slow packing job, but it has to be this way in order for me to find the best way to pack my own suitcase. Just as it has to be this way in order for me to find who I want to be and what makes me happy.

You know, part of me thinks that that was the stupidest illustration ever!!! and maybe it was, but hey, screw it, it makes sense to me!! :)

anyways, 2003....
I resolve to be confident and proud of what I am and what I am not.
I resolve to get upset over ONLY those things that deserve it (and honestly, there isn't much that really does).
I reslove to look for the best in all situations.
I resolve to take advantage of each day and make each day worth living.

alright, well, I've made my resolutions...I feel like a normal American citizen now... :)

previous | next

Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying

Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.