Friday, Mar. 14, 2008 7:31 p.m.

coming to a conclusion

this is my third entry today. it's one of those days where I'm thinking too much, but about nothing important or even worth the effort to sort out into words.

everything's scrambling around inside my head, trying to find it's place. a random observation there, a casual trail of thoughts there, a quick glimpse of a passing image, a remembrance of something I needed to get done. everything's just floating around.

nothing important even happened today, but I'm still processing all the inputs from everything I did, everywhere I went, everything I thought, every image that I saw, everything I still have to do. it's like I'm a little autistic today.

some days I'm just like this.

I'm terribly disillusioned at the moment. just with the way things work. or the way things have come to work. I don't think I belong in this time period. sure, I'm addicted to computers and to the internet, but if I honestly never know that they existed, I would have no idea what I was missing. and I think maybe that that'd be better.

I do kind of understand why we have celebrities and why there are people in society that are held up to a different type of scrutiny. I know it's because everyone else, all the normal people, like having someone that they think is "larger than life" that they can live through vicariously. that makes sense to me. I just don't think that I'm one of those kinds of people that even care.

but it's hard, being at checkouts and seeing magazines and reading headlines. flashing headlines and pictures that change every week, yet never really tell you anything new. millions of people look at these each day. this trash has far more reach and importance on society than I can ever pretend that my measly existence would matter to anything.

where is the joy of life, the joy of discovery, the joy of existence...the joy of youth? have I lost it already? have I passed my prime? is it all downhill from here?

I'm still feeling weird from the donation. well, my body is still being weird, I should say. my usual flat belly hasn't lost this pooch thing yet, and my skin recently reacted in a terrible breakout everywhere. I feel ugly, unkempt. I feel old.

and walking around that store. it's been forever since I bought new clothes at all, so suddenly realizing that I was one of the older shoppers in there and that a store I once loved seemed cheap and immature...well, I just took it weird.

I feel so out of place, and I don't really know where my place should be.

am I ready to be relegated to "mom" status, since it almost seems like that all I'm good for anymore. it'll be interesting finding out if this couple gets pregnant; if so, and that is my greatest contribution so far in my life - then maybe fertility is all I have left that matters.

I've become so disenchanted with movies since I've moved here. it isn't often that any story moves me anymore; I know every movie exists and was created just to make someone money. and to think that this whole industry thrives on entertainment. such an unnecessary and pointless activity. watching movies. such a waste of time.

I don't understand how K is still obsessed with it all. why hasn't he outgrown his fascination, like I have? how does he still get giddy about upcoming movies and will watch an online trailer a hundred times over in anticipation? I don't get it.

I don't get how he writes scripts. he knows how to hit all the right points, tell the story in the right way, make something "sellable"...but when I read them, I just don't feel anything. not like he does. it's always just another story to me. the characters and situations change, but otherwise, I don't see how anything is different from anything else.

I hate saying this though. I'm proud of him for writing. I'm glad he writes. I hope he sells something someday, I think he has such potential once he lets himself put his heart into something. I wish he exposed his deeper side more often. but this business isn't about depth.

I'm just in a weird mood today.

everything is convoluted. everything is political. so many things bother me and seem wrong and illogical and I just wish everyone understood as I did. I wish information was not so adulterated. I wish people would stop talking about current politics or global warming or celebrity episodes with such conviction. doesn't anyone else realize that everything is just a phase, just a fad?

everything that anyone thinks is important now will just be a laughable piece of history soon. and even history is likely to remember it wrong, or however it deems it wants to remember it, so that, really, what the point of getting flustered about anything?

if there's one thing that my recent civil war fascination had taught me, it's that right and wrong only exist depending on how the future chooses to label the past.

typing this out has helped some, but I still find it so hard to slow down my mind right now and concentrate on anything practical. I don't want to think; I don't want to introduce any more thoughts to the already too many swarming.

I just want everything to eventually come to some type of conclusion.

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