Tuesday, Feb. 04, 2014 12:33 p.m.
hope. sucks.
Did I write about hope in my last entry? If so, I don't remember. Oh well.
Hope sucks. Hope is worse than disappointment. Because hope is a guilty pleasure that you hate yourself for giving into afterward.
Hope hurts so much and I really don't know how in the world I'm capable of still having it anymore. I hate that I can still feel it whenever there's even the slightest bit of news.
It's like a binge drinker who feels good for a moment but suffers hangovers that are never worth it. Yet for some strange reason, he continues to go out and drink.
The hangover of hope lasts for much longer than a hangover from alcohol though.
Every single time, the potential is new and even bigger, so I stupidly fall for it. All.over.again.
I have no patience anymore, yet am filled with apathetic non-urgency about everything.
So close. Always so, so, so close...yet never any cigar.
Just tell him either way. Buy the show or don't. An uncertain state is worse than rejection. And while you're at it, get him that check. That one he's been owed for 4 months or something. Please. Give us something to live on. Give us something to live for.
My daughter just keeps growing during this time. Not that she knows anything, but I regret all the things that I always wanted to be as a mom, and all the ways I'm failing. Mostly because I have no motivation to do anything.
We're withering. Desperately holding on to tiny tiny grasps of hope. I don't think either of us are sure why we're still holding out. I guess because we just plain do not know what else to do with our lives? We just keep stupidly dreaming, feeling entitled to more, deliriously telling ourselves that we're destined for bigger things. Telling ourselves that this will be worth it someday. That it's just a test to endure and overcome. Someday when we're millionaires, right? Someday we'll be stronger and better for having survived it.
Someday. Right? Right??
Isn't the first sign of going crazy when you attempt something multiple times, yet keep expecting a different result?
At some point, we have to give up on this. Right?
I don't know anymore.
I just want this stupid check and I want them to get back to him about if they want to buy the show.
I want something to happen to change our lives. Ok, I NEED something to happen to change our lives.
I hate hope.
I entered my 3rd trimester yesterday and it's becoming scary real.
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.