Wednesday, Jan. 22, 2014 4:29 p.m.

it is what it is

That hail mary thing from 2 months ago? Well, I suppose it's not completely gone. There's still technically some chances that haven't turned it down. But it's like this: say you apply for a dozen jobs. Half of them you hear back from within a week or two, saying the position is filled. The other half you never hear from, and so at first, you wait, hoping that they're just taking their sweet time with things. But then eventually, after a month or two, you have no choice but to assume that you didn't get the job.

So I mean, yeah, I don't know anything about K's industry, who knows, maybe this is normal. K doesn't really know either. But without anything else to go on, and when the uncertainty of hope is harder to handle than dissapointment of rejection - I'm accepting that the chance is over and moving on.

So now it's waiting for this elusive check that supposed to come in to give us a tiny reprieve. Ha ha, though we need that couple grand desperately, I no longer can believe that it's coming. Yeah, it's supposed to. But it's been "supposed to" for months and months. Every day I anxiously wait for the mail and hope it will be there and every day it's not. That's too hard to do anymore.

What I have done is create a budget. An actual budget. Finally. Where we only buy things with cash each month. No credit cards, and debit ONLY ONLY ONLY for those very few things it's difficult to pay cash for (like gas). So far this month, we're actually making it work. I mean, we're just about out of grocery money, but we should have enough food to make it another 9 days and I have some random gift cards that we can work with if it becomes a necessity.

I guess it is possible to live in Southern California on less than $40,000/yr after all. I'm not saying it's anywhere close to comfortable, but it's liveable. I mean, as long as you either don't have any debt or you don't mind collection agencies calling several times a day since we've had to stop paying credit cards completely. I pretty much don't answer my phone ever anymore, unless I know the number. Whatever; it's a nuisance, but I can live with it.

I lately find myself having a hard time dealing with people who complain. About anything really. People have so little to complain about and it just annoys me when they do. Things could always be worse.

Even I can't complain. Things could be worse. We're down pretty low, but we haven't hit rock bottom. If the lives of either my live or unborn child or my husband were to be taken, well, then it might be rock bottom. But anything else that could happen? I'll handle it I guess. I have no choice otherwise, do I?

So when people complain about whatever they complain about, I just figure that do it because they don't know how good they actually have it.(well, ok, and a small part of me likes to imagine that most other people wouldn't be able to handle the tough times that we're dealing with, so it makes me feel tougher than most, ha ha :))

The biggest thing stressing me out now is how to pay for the midwife fee. The midwife fee is still ultimately cheaper than a hospital birth with insurance, AND I should get some insurance reimbursement from my homebirth even still. But we don't have any money to pay for what we're supposed to pay upfront. I've been trying to scrounge up some money for a small payment at each appointment, but it feels a bit pathetic sometimes offering only the meager amount I can. I feel bad. I know the midwives will have to be patient with us, and that they know that they may not be getting their full fare from us. I feel bad, but I also feel like I have no choice. I mean, I could try going without prenatal care and doing an unassisted birth at home, but that's just a little too risky. I'm already going the cheapest option I can by having a homebirth.

If we do ever get this check that's supposedly coming, then we can cover the fee. But until then, I feel like I'm leading the midwives on with an non-guaranteed promise of money.

On kind of a funnier tone - my latest hobby is entering sweepstakes and contests. I've discover that people actually do this as a hobby and spent lots of time entering things. Hey, if you get your name out there enough, the math says that you're bound to win sometimes, right? We're just sitting in front of the tv every night for hours anyways. Might as well use that time to enter online contests! It maybe only be a $50 Amazon gift card to you, but to me it's a new bra (since, I'm embarrassed to admit, I've been living in a SINGLE bra for the past month since it's the only one that fits me at this stage of pregnancy).

If anything, it's fun to dream each time I enter a contest that I could win. It might be only a miniscule chance, but a miniscule chance is better than no chance at all!

So this is my life at the moment.

It is what it is.

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