Friday, Jan. 06, 2006 4:32 p.m.

jury duty

on wednesday, I went down to the courthouse because a piece of paper I got in the mail told me I had to. I was given a badge and became a number. I might as well have become a cow because it was a cattle call...called jury selection.

it was an interesting process. my number was called. I went to a room; there was a judge, two layers, a defendant, a bailiff. I raised my hand with everyone and swore I would not lie.

I didn't. and ended up as an alternate juror in a rape case.

the trial began today.

we weren't told much beforehand...yet we were told a lot. a man - the one sitting with his lawyer in the room we were in - was being charged with rape. of his daughter. they didn't say how old she was.

the legal system has a way of using words to describe things that make them seem less severe, yet more severe than what they must have been like when they actually happened in real life.

digital penetration. this was just one of the terms used to describe the charge. probably not even the worst. but I didn't know what it meant.

I felt like I was in middle school again. I didn't tell anyone. surely I should know what that means. I didn't want anyone to know that I didn't know...but I didn't.

I assumed I would learn through the course of the trail. but I didn't. there was no trial. I got there this morning and the guy had changed his plea to guilty. so we all went home.

and I won't have jury duty for at least another year.

so I came home and googled it. digital penetration. after more searching than it should have taken, I discovered what I had a hunch it meant - penetration with the finger.

why do they call it digital penetration? to me, digital is a good tv picture, not a finger.

I can't get that guy's face out of my head though. I was prepared to be a good juror and give him the benefit of the doubt.

but he did it. he really did. with his own daughter. that sick bastard.

researching the definition of digital penetration brought up many other legal cases of sexual abuse. I was drawn to, and repulsed by, the details of these cases. this is what I was about to have to undergo, had the case not been dismissed. these detailed descriptions of...stuff I don't want to think about.

sex.

what is with it? why does it do this to people? HOW does it do this to people? how can someone feel that strongly impassioned with it that violate other people through it?

I understand that we are sexual beings. I understand that we have desires. I understand that these desires can possibly be out of the ordinary and looked oddly at.

what I don't understand is why some people can not or will not stop themselves from acting on these desires. I was reading about a 14 yr. old 'digitally penetrating' a 2 yr. old. 2 years old!! why???

the defendant's face flashes again through my mind. I try to imagine his reasonings behind the things he did. what led him to do it...to his daughter. it scares me, for her. whoever she is, however old she is.

and then it�s weird - it almost scares me to have sex with my husband tonight, if we do. not because of him, or me, or us�but because I know that somehow, inside, the same sexual desire that I, my husband, you and everyone else has�was the driving stimulant behind the rapist�s actions as well.

that�s what scares me. what humankind has the ability to do.

I�m really glad the case was dismissed. it didn�t even happen and it already affected me too much.

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