Thursday, Dec. 29, 2005 4:54 p.m.

old people stink

I have a confession: I don�t like old people.

I never have. I probably won�t even like me when I get old.

I don�t think I�ll live to old age. I�ve never wanted to. I�ve never even wanted to live to the age that I am now. I feel old.

we had lunch with his grandfather today. at a diner. filled with old people, like diners often are.

I hate saying this, because it makes me seem mean and cruel�but I hated being there. I wanted out, I wanted to get away. I was bored. I kept catching myself staring out the window, unconnected to the conversation of ex-wives and relatives I didn�t know, diabetes and not being able to eat sugar, or various other ailments.

I know these people have lived longer and seen more things in life than me. I respect their knowledge � if they ever shared it. instead, they talk about modern crazy drivers, and how they don�t have email or cell phones because hey, if they lived without it in the old days, they could live without it now.

they smell funny, they talk slow. they eat weird foods, like sauerkraut.

about a year a ago, I was almost cast in a reality show pilot called �through your eyes� or something like that for nbc. had I done it, they would�ve fit me in prosthetics to make me look like an old person, then I would have lived in a retirement community, and with the help of my grandmother, pretend I was an out-of-town guest visiting or something and seen what the life of an old person is like first hand...hopefully learning to get over my fears and become a new person�

I�m not kidding. it was between me and another girl. I ended up calling them and saying I didn�t want to do it. apparently the show never aired anyways.

I�m deathly afraid of getting old. I'm pretty sure it's because I�m deathly afraid of being dead.

I�ve been thinking a lot recently about what it would be like to be pregnant. I don�t want to be pregnant. I�m just curious what it�d be like for me to actually have a fat belly and know that a kid is gonna pop outta there that I�m gonna have to take care of it for the next 18 years.

that�s scary.

at christmas, my cousin, who is my age, just had a baby. I held it. it�d been forever since I�d held a baby. a weird female part of me wanted one for my own; the normal logical part of me was repulsed that that part of me wanted one.

no kids. I can�t. not for like 5 more years. that�d be giving up my whole life. I want my own life first. I�m too young.

I�m 25. I�m old.

I�m reading this book � teacher man, by frank mccourt � about teaching english in a public new york high school.

I�m going to teach middle/high school next year. math. I was just in high school, wasn�t I? how can I be in the teacher role already? will my students just think I�m old and stupid as I often thought of my teachers?

I need to get back to L.A. we fly on the 2nd. I�m young there. I�m independent there. I live my own life there. I�m selfish there.

I love texas. I love where I�m from. but being here with family is making me see my life differently than when I normally live it just for myself�the burden of family, the burden of settling, of growing up�only it�s not a burden, it feels like the way it�s meant to be�the unselfish path I should take�

I�m not ready to be old, but I don�t know how much longer I get to be young.

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