Friday, Jan. 09, 2004 11:44 a.m.
the "system"
today is a depressing day. i'm thinking about how screwed up the world really is. how we're destroying values and how there are no standards anymore. everyone is all about "finding out what best for them". but when everyone does this, all it leads to is a bunch of people wandering blindly all over the place never getting anywhere. true, maybe it's all about the search and not the destination, but maybe it's not. it's chaotic. there's no order. we all act like no one can tell us what to do, but everyone misses the whole point. no one can ever make you do anything, but you can always choose to respect others and do as they've asked. parents don't make their kids do things, the kids choose to obey their parents. we think of things in the wrong way. i'm sick of hearing about people trying to rebel against "the system". YOU ARE THE F**KING SYSTEM!! you cannot rebel against yourself! order is not a bad thing!
people today tend to blame everything wrong about themselves on someone else. your parents raised you wrong, it was your oppressive community, religion, upbringing, etc, etc, etc. whatever. we are responsible for who we are. however you were raised, or the society you came from, or anything like that - they are not "the system". why have we turned into people who can't take responsibility for our own selves? i don't understand. in order to feel the desire to rebel from whatever force one feels is restricting them, one must be very self-aware and must feel as though an individual self is more powerful than a collective group. however, if one really felt this sense of self-involvement, wouldn't they also feel the self-responsibility to know that they choose who they were and that the "system" really holds no influence???
i don't know if this makes sense anymore, but i know what i'm talking about. this just frustrates me and i don't want to try and figure out the world anymore. it's just really screwed up and i don't want to think about it.
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.