Monday, Jan. 11, 2010 12:23 a.m.

too much caffiene and too much to think

Building on my last entry - there's too much to think about. Everything is in limbo, and I wish I just had a plan.

I have to choose a doctor in the next couple days. I have no clue what to do; I'm used to being told where to go. I then have insurance to think about. And come to find out, now I'm in open enrollment so I could choose a new plan...but it's too hard to research all these other plans and know everything and make the best decision. I don't really know what I'm going to be responsible for financially and what the other party is going to pay for. We haven't done a contract yet, because it makes the most sense to consult with the doctor first...but we haven't chosen a doctor yet.

And then I started freaking out about actually doing it. My kids: test tube babies? No, I can't do that; can I? But I feel like I can't back out now either. The other lady is counting on me. And plus, this split-cycle thing is convenient and something I should take advantage of. I'm thinking of making embryos and then freezing them...but not transferring them quite yet. Maybe we should try a little longer and keep our "snowbabies" as back-up for when we are ready for them?

K is about to start moving into his super-crazy-production work schedule for the next 6 months, and I don't know how difficult it's going to be to get him to be where he needs to be when he's required to be. Maybe kids just shouldn't be in the picture for us. Afterall, I don't even know if we can have a reliable enough schedule to create them!

I just want this to be over. I want a decision to be made. I want a plan to go along with. If we end up with kids, then let's have them already. If we don't end up with kids, well, then why am I thinking about all this stuff right now?! :)

My old best friend, the one who accidentally wound up pregnant at around the same time K and I found out that we probably couldn't conceive naturally, and who joked to me that I could use her husband as a sperm donor if needed (pretty much the most insensitive thing that could be said to me at that time, I mean, she's apologized since, so I don't hold it against her, but really, it was harsh) should be having her kid in the next week or two. I haven't talked to her at all about her pregnancy. I prayed and hoped that I'd be pregnant before she actually gave birth, but nope. And to think we thought that we would have kids around the same time and be pregnant together and our kids would be best friends and the world would be happy, ha ha. Oh well.

I keep watching for facebook updates. It's so weird. I'm so not a part of my old college girlfriends social life anymore. There's the friend who (also about to deliver her baby in the next couple weeks) thought she wasn't going to conceive due to her endometriosis, and after "struggling" for 5 months could sort of relate to me when I first told them that we were having trouble...I kind of wonder why she's never emailed me to check in. If she was the only one who had some idea what it feels like, you'd think she'd at least occasionally say "hey, I hope things are going ok for you". Nope. Oh, and then the other friend, the one who also emailed me after I told her about our difficulties, and honestly seemed to care...and then must have found out she was accidentally pregnant like 2 days later 'cause our emails suddenly stopped. And two months later, when I saw her, and I just KNEW she was pregnant though she hadn't told anyone, and then a month after that when she finally emailed me to tell me that she was...yeah, I wonder why she's never asked about me either.

Probably because people don't know what to say. I guess can't blame them. Plus, I'm sad to think about. And who wants to think about a sad person who can't have a kid when you'd rather be all happy and excited and glowing about your own pregnancy - especially when you get to share it with 3 of your 6 best college friends!

I'm on too much caffeine tonight. And I haven't finished my lesson for my 9am class tomorrow. And I can't concentrate on it. And I'm hungry. And K wants to me go to bed with him. But I'm too wired.

I just don't know what to do about this whole IVF thing. I'm not emotional, or depressed about all this anymore; I've kind of just accepted everything. But I don't want to think about all this!!! Ahhh!!!!

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