Wednesday, Jan. 06, 2010 4:42 p.m.

IVF fears

I got an email from the lady I might be doing the shared-IVF cycle with this morning. We're trying to figure out which doctor/clinic to go through.

But I've been feeling weird about it all day.

Originally I was just going to do an egg donation, like I've done before. But then it turned into a shared cycle and I was just thinking, oh, it'll be just like an egg donation, only bonus - I get to have some of the eggs too. But now it's starting to sink in that it's not just an egg donation. It me doing my own IVF, only I'm giving away some of my eggs in exchange for some financial help.

And that changes things completely.

I don't know if I wanna do this anymore. It's scary. We don't have any money - even though this way will only be like 3-4K instead of 10-12K. I've been getting used to the idea of not having kids. I've told my mom that we're having struggles; my sister knows and come to find out is having struggles too, we have a dog now...I don't know, it's like I feel like the pressure is off, like I'm no longer expected to have kids. Plus it's impossible for me to have a kid by 30 now, so I've sorta stopped caring some.

But really? Am I really ready to jump in and be ok with not creating a kid the normal way? I'm sure I'll get over it eventually, but will I really ever look at my kid one day and think, your first moments of conception were in a petri dish, not in me? It still seems so unnatural.

My egg donations seem removed from myself. Yes I did them. Yes there's kids with my genes out there. But they aren't part of my life. I can forget about them entirely. How their parents raise them and if they tell them how they were "unnaturally" conceived is up to them. I have no part it in. It's like realizing that my sister is going to live her own life. Sure we share the same genes, but I'm not responsible for her.

But MY kids? I mean, I'm eternally grateful that at least at this point, we CAN actually have kids genetically related to us, but what if we couldn't? I can't even imagine how hard it is to accept donor egg/sperm.

I was reading a message board this afternoon and someone mentioned the movie Up. I saw this back in the earlier days of trying to conceive, but even still, all I can remember from the movie is the beginning montage where the wife learns she cannot have kids. I still get teary-eyed thinking about it. I wonder if others, who've never had trouble concieving, also felt the same sadness then. Yeah, the movie is meant for little kids, but I think those quick couple minutes described the sadness so beautifully.

What if we put all this money into IVF and it doesn't work? What if it doesn't work for the other couple either? How could I ever try again; I'd be a double failure.

There's this egg donor message board I've been posting on for a couple years. There's one other donor who's been trying for twice as long as me, but going through the same thing: After successful donations, she and her husband can't conceive either. And they don't know why. They did a shared IVF last year; it didn't work, for either her or her couple. She was devastated. I'm afraid my cycle is going to turn out the same way.

I need to write the lady back. I need to research these clinics. I just don't feel the motivation right now.

I don't know if I really want to do it this way.

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