Wednesday, Jan. 13, 2010 10:16 p.m.
I wonder why I live in this time period?
I'm feeling slightly down tonight. I wish I could go back both in time and age.
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the weather here, but I hate living here. I hate the lifestyle here. I hate the isolation. I hate that I'm trying to accept the fact that I'm getting old, while being trapped in a place where everyone tries to be "young" for as long as they can.
We're no longer young, ok? Anyone else wanna grow up with me? I need a grown-up community of friends.
Back in previous generations, a woman usually started started her family in the early 20s. By the late 20s/early 30s, a woman was really a grown up...a woman. A caretaker of children, a supportive wife. Feminism now regards this role as demeaning, but I see it as at least a role, at least something substantial and an important and necessary part of society.
I've been cooking dinner this week. Real meals. Chopping onions. Mincing garlic. Sauteing vegetables. Not for my family...but for myself. I save a plate for K when he gets home (he's not home as I'm typing this), but we don't eat together. I started cooking just so I can use these skills.
I'm not really a social butterfly, but I LOVE being a hostess. I love feeling domesticated and getting to cook and clean and plan for a purpose.
I wish this were an earlier era. I'd have three kids by now (and of course, our issues just somehow wouldn't be an issue anymore - I like to dream). My husband would come home around 5 and I'd have dinner waiting. I'd have a plan each day. I'd have a purpose.
A lot of times now, I feel like I don't even have that.
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I got into a bit of an accidental discussion on a facebook status thread today. A girl from college was complaining about her health insurance and that it would be too expensive for her to have a second kid. She's my age, and she was freaking out about it, because as she later let me know, she has an age limit on when she wants to have kids by, for "personal reasons".
I didn't really become aware of my biological clock until I started donating, but once I did, I had a bit of a timeline too. Had is the key word.
Things don't always happen the way you want.
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K's going out of town again next week. I had really wanted to go with him this time, but the more I think about it, the more I think it's probably best if I save the money.
I know it's only a week, but I don't talk to anyone else for days at a time (other than the dog), and I'm not particularly looking forward to being alone.
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.