Thursday, Jan. 14, 2010 7:42 p.m.

I can't belive there are still tears left in my tear ducts, but they're still coming.

today has been a rough day.

I'm losing my dog I got for christmas. yes, it's my fault for not checking the lease. I had remembered wrong about pets being allowed and had just trusted my memory. yes, I shouldn't have been honest and asked the landlord about paying a deposit for her. yes, I am an idiot. yes, it is all my fault.

K is leaving on Sunday and will be gone for a week on a trip to New York that I really wanted to go with him on. so I have to give up the dog that was just becoming part of our little family and then spend a week alone.

it was fun having a dog. it was a new bond for K and I. As much as I did not want to admit it, it was a really mini test-run for parenthood. that's going away too. and back to our old, boring married life.

I got my period today. we weren't trying this cycle, but there's still emotion involved in it all. and the same day I find out I'm losing my "temporary child"/dog too. fuck. I can't (wait, "we" can't, so I've accepted that as "I" can't...even though I can, and we can too, though only with expensive help) procreate, so really, what's the point? It's easiest to for my existence to fade away...

(and btw, if it ever fucking happens, you better believe I'm gonna say that WE are pregnant, 'cause "we" already went through so much and jointly claimed failure. So yeah, only I may have the child growing in my belly, but is it definitely BOTH of us that will be pregnant; I don't care if other people think that is stupid)

I had a phone appointment with a doctor today about what-I-still-hope-is-the upcoming IVF/ED cycle. only I haven't heard from the other lady in a week and it makes me nervous. I think she's changed her mind or doesn't want me anymore. I don't know if I really want to do IVF, but I can get over that. mostly I just want a plan.

talked to K a second ago. the one backup plan I had was that maybe my cousin in san diego could take the dog until our lease was up in May. they just got a puppy and can't take her. so I have to ship her back home to Texas somehow.

I feel so alone and can't believe I'm losing the dog. and then, do we move in May and get a new place and get her back? or just give her up all together? can't we just move back to texas and somehow make a successful life there? I don't want to start over again. I'm so tired of starting over. I'm almost 30, I'm so, so, so old. and I'm nothing. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm too old to do this.

I wanted to live here til we bought a place. but we can never buy. we're already ridiculously in debt. we live a lifestyle we can't afford. I know this. I ignore it everyday, telling myself it will somehow work out. telling myself I want to be happy and that's more important. we don't spend much at, but I think we still live beyond our reasonable means. we really are so much in debt, it embarrasses me.

fuck it though - maybe I'll go to NY with K anyways. I don;t need to spend the money, but life is crap and it's something different, so why not, right?

my life is nothing. I've no dog, no kid, no ability to have kids, no money. I'm trapped in a rental place I encouraged K to move into when we didn't need to move. I've lost the last 4 years of my life doing absolutely nothing. I've destroyed any friendships I've once had.

My credit score has even sunk in the past year. thank god K's has gone up.

I live in a city a hate, in a house I used to like. I was growing a garden, but fuck that as now I don't plan on staying here. but I like that garden, it gave me something to do. something to think about and be happy thinking about. I have a husband I love - yay - but a husband I never see. I have an awesome job but no social outlet. I am an island. I am no one. I have no one.

I have not drank at home in a long time. I was going to stop drinking altogether in preparation for my IVF. I can't believe I'm talking about IVF so nonchalantly. I don't even know if that lady is ever going to get back to me and if it's ever going to happen. I'm drinking tonight. I don't care if a down a whole bottle of 2 buck chuck. I haven't made my lesson for tomorrow and I don't care.

this has been a bad day.

my life officially and thoroughly sucks. I really don't know what my purpose here is. if there is one, I don't seem to be able to reach it. I'm ok giving up.

I don't know if life would be better anywhere else or doing anything else though. I just feel trapped.

time for another glass of wine. yay.

I just want K to come home. Last night he came home at midnight. I don't know when he'll be home tonight. is this much work to achieve a dream really worth it? but we can't leave now, or all of this will have been a wast.

I'm a wreck tonight. and I want K.

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