Sunday, Jan. 17, 2010 8:54 p.m.
isolation count day 1
I spent 12 hours today driving. 6 of those hours my dog was with me in the car. The other 6 she wasn't.
I've driven that stretch of highway many times in my life, but that was only the second time I'd driven it alone. The first was when I was 22 and moving to Los Angeles. Life was full of promise then. I had no clue what awaited me (in fact, not even 12 hours later, I was having lunch with what would eventually become my husband). This time, 6 1/2 years later, my life isn't very promising. I may not know exactly what awaits me, but I have a pretty good clue what does.
The highway seemed to never end tonight. I just kept driving, and driving, and driving. It felt like my life, just waiting and waiting and waiting. When I was 22, I had a destination in mind; I knew where I wanted to go and couldn't wait to get there. Each exciting mile was a new adventure bringing me closer to my potential. Now, at 29, I drove just because it was what I was supposed to do. I assumed I was getting somewhere, and that my destination did indeed exist, but I knew that it wouldn't hold much. The journey seemed to go on forever. Every mileage sign just reminded me that I still had not yet arrived.
Then, I didn't mind the driving. Now, its repetition bored me greatly.
It probably didn't help that I came home to an empty house. I miss the other living thing that used to be here with me. I really do feel much more alone.
__________
Yesterday I talked about how isolated I was going to be this week and I predicted how many people I would actually speak with this week. Today I decided to officially track my isolation.
From the moment K left last night to the moment I pick him up on Saturday. I will log every face-to-face (phone or internet communication do not count) human interaction I have:
Original prediction (made for Mon-Sat only): fewer than 10 people, 2-3hrs. conversation
START: Sat. 1/16 8pm
1/16
- drive-thru guy at McDonalds, 1 min.
1/16 total: 1 person, 1 min. of conversation
1/17
- gas station cashier, 1 min.
- guy with poodle at truck stop talking about our dogs, 3 min.
- lady with black lab, 2 min.
- family who is watching my dog (2 adults, 2 children), 45 min.
- drive-thru guy at Taco Bell, 1 min.
- gas station cashier, 1 min.
- lady who asked for change, 1 min.
- lady crossing the street who yelled at me that I needed to turn my lights on, 1 min.
1/17 total: 11 people, 55 min. of conversation.
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.