Monday, Jan. 18, 2010 5:29 p.m.

isolation count, day 2

I went to Barnes N Noble for a couple hours today, but I'm not going out again tonight, so I can go ahead and log my isolation count for today.

oh and note - For conversations of less than a minute, I've decided to round to the nearest 5 seconds, instead of just counting any conversation at all as a minimum of 1 minute.

- guy at the customer service counter, 10 sec.
- girl at the front register who helped me sign up for a teachers card, 2 min.
- guy in line in front of me in the coffee area, 5 sec.
- guy taking my order, 1 min.
- girl who called my coffee order and I thanked, 5 sec.
- employee who asked if that was my cup, 5 sec.
- guy at fish counter at grocery store, 1 min.

Total face-to-face interaction: 7 people, 4 min., 25 sec. of conversation.
__________
While I was at the bookstore, I kept checking my email on my phone, just hoping to have some sort of communication with someone. I went on facebook and realized that I had made a mistake in reading someone's updated and my comment was then pointless. I felt dumb. I also saw that the only ex-boyfriend I've ever had is now expecting a child. We only because facebook friends a week or two ago; I remember looking through his profile ans being somewhat relieved that he didn't have kids yet either, that someone was in the no-kids-yet boat with me. And then I read that. It just was another, ha ha, you're a loser type of feelings.

My sister then called me, apologized for my dog being taken away, and told me how she's again sad that she isn't pregnant (I found out over Christmas break that they'd been trying too) and everyone around her is. I asked about some tests she had done, the results came back fine. I think I was secretly hoping that they wouldn't and we'd both be able to commensurate together. But I guess they are fine, so it will probably all happen normal for them. My sister commented on how I don't seem to be as sad about things as she is. I told her I was just numb by now.

I am numb.

I ended up leaving shortly thereafter. Being in the presence of strangers but still not having any interaction made my invisibility and unimportance even more apparent to me. I figured I might as well be at home, and really alone.

When I was the most depressed I've ever been, back when I was a freshman in college and had just really questioned and lost my faith, there was a month or two when I kind of was doing what might be a precursor to cutting. No one knew I was hurting about anything, so when I'd be hanging out with people, seemingly happy, I'd be taking my thumbnail and scratching my arm in the same small space until the skin rubbed raw and would bleed. Somehow it make me feel stronger being able to be in minor physical pain while and completely hide it from everyone around me.

This kind of action popped back into my mind as I was driving back from the bookstore just now. If only I had people to physically be around and someone to hide it from, well, I might actually consider it again.

This diary is my only outlet, and even then, only feels half-fulfilling.

I started birth control today, which is what you take for a month before starting injections of the suppression drug lupron, which is what you take for a week or two before starting stimulation injections, which you take for a week and a half before the egg retrieval, which is was what happens 3-5 days before the embryo transfer, which happens about a week and a half before you can get a beta test, which, depending how many days it's been, and how high the number is, will tell you if all the money and time was worth it and resulted in a viable pregnancy.

Starting birth control should be exciting, but seeing as how I still don't know for sure if we're going through with this as the lady hasn't officially chosen a doctor yet and we haven't done a contract yet - it actually stresses me out and I worry that I'm going to be sitting out a second cycle in a row and missing an (very, very small) opportunity.

Someday things will all work out. Someday I will have a happy life. Someday I will have a family and a garden. And a dog. Someday I will be happy. Someday it will all work out.

I just have to keep telling myself this.

Someday it will all be worth it.

I hope.9:14pm ETA: just read on a college friends blog that they are expecting a second child. seriously - can I just vanish from existence? Please? Please, God? I mean, I don't really have much of a purpose and I can't pass down my values to anyone. I mean, really, what, I teach Algebra? woohoo, many people can replace me. My virtual students won't know one way or another. I make a lasting impression in NO one's lives. K perhaps, but really, he gets along fine without me for the majority of every day. I'm just a warm body in bed to occasionally share a conversation or a meal or have sex with. Can I just have never existed in the beginning? My parents would have 5 other kids, they'd be ok. K would find someone else. The people I donated to would find other donors. I have contributed absolutely nothing that someone else couldn't have contributed instead.

So why exactly am I here?

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