Wednesday, Jan. 26, 2005 1:03 p.m.
i�m so vain, i probably think this entry�s about me
I got an email from dannyboyk2 today. he commented on my last entry and basically told me that I was conceited for always thinking that what I thought was right. (in his defense, he said it in a less harsh and more well-explained way.)
hmm...I actually have to agree with him. I am conceited. I'm more stuck on myself than anyone probably realizes. I think I'm right. I think I'm smart. I think I'm erudite and intellectual.
I'm admitting this. you can think I'm crap. I am. but it's true. I hold that what I think is true over what anyone else may think is true.
but how I can I be anything but this? how can I be not self-focused? ALL I know is what I perceive and experience. the ONLY way I can relate to others is through my own experiences. the only way I can care about others is if I first care about myself - it's the only way that I can understand someone else's pain.
yes, I think I am right. is there anyone who doesn't think they are right?
I think I think and analyze more than the majority of people around me. I think that this allows me to make better decisions than them. I'm sorry - I could lie and say that I don't do this, but I do. but doesn't EVERYONE think that they make better choices than everyone else? opinions? - they couldn't exist unless people thought that what they thought mattered, even in spite of what other people think.
so, yes, I do think I'm smarter than a lot of other people. I'm an elitist. does this really make me a bad person? does this really make my best friend a bad person?
All I know is what I know. All knowledge derives from the self. if this makes me self-centered, then so be it. and if being self-centered is the only thing that allows me to care for other people, then though it may seem an oxymoron, give me the title of conceited. I will proudly wear it.
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.