Monday, Jan. 17, 2005 11:17 a.m.

the ultimate goal

I don't understand people. sometimes I just want to say screw you to the ability to think and just be normal like everyone else.

I really don't think I'm normal.

I went to Santa Barbara this weekend with some friends. talk about yuppiness. talk about all the things I hate about California rolled into one place. yuck.

my friends would NOT stop talking about how much they loved the place and wanted to live there and how it was a like a permanent vacation and how when they were rich they could afford the $400 dresses in all the stores...yuck. while Santa Barbara is pretty, I think I secretly despised it.

I guess despised it for what it tried to be. I despised it for what everyone else thinks it is. I despised it as I despise all things that act as though they have the answers, they are the truth, they are the ultimate goal.

Santa Barbara is NOT the ultimate goal.

neither is the anti-war, anti-Bush movement, for that matter.

as it's becoming increasingly popular here in the liberal populations of this state, I ran into a little anti-war/Bush "demonstration" on the streets in SB this weekend. it just made me sick. not because I'm "pro-Bush", or "pro-people killing others", but because I'm "anti-people acting like they have all the answers when they don't".

when I was home in Texas over the holidays, my sister had a "Texans for Bush" t-shirt that I desperately wanted to steal and wear here in L.A. why in the world do I want to do that? do I want to be stoned in the streets? sort of. yeah.

I want to bring out the worst in people who think they know the answers. I want to pass by another "peace parade" and hear them shout obscenities my way. I want to undermine their guise of 'peace'. people only want peace if it's peace on the terms of their side.

I think it's funny how it's fashionable at different times to protest different things. protesting is good if it's against the war, but bad if against abortion. if someone heckles someone wearing a t-shirt announcing they're gay, it's bad, but if someone heckles someone wearing a t-shirt announcing they voted for Bush, it's good.

whatever. the world is screwed up. and I'm sick of seeing things from the outside. I want to see them from whatever I think is an inside like normal people. I want to be normal. I want to be happy and ignorant and simple.

I went to a philosophy club meeting last night. the topic was, "Can the academic pursuit of philosophy lead to better and more fulfilling life?" simple people would simply answer yes to this question. complicated people would get into a complicated discussion about it.

I'm a complicated person.

and I left the philosophy meeting without an answer. philosophy isn't good at answers. ironically, all I was left was with an even more reverberating version of the topic bouncing in my head, "what is the ultimate goal? to think or to be happy? does thinking make me happy? is being normal better?"

should I take the simple route and conform? should I join the next 'peace parade' I see? should I desire to live in Santa Barbara and spend $400 on dresses? should I be who everyone else is becoming? should I think like everyone else does?

would I then have a better life? would I be happier? is the ultimate goal just to 'be normal'?

I just got an email from a friend to whom I briefly mentioned my attendance at the philosophy meeting. his response:
So tell me about this philosophy club ....where is it at? And how can you think that much? It hurts my head..

mine too. but I obviously don't know if that means I should stop.