Thursday, Jan. 26, 2006 7:59 p.m.

no cheese for my whine

I have a feeling this will be a whiny entry. I feel like I've been whining a lot lately. sorry people who read this.

there was a few points today where I must have looked at my watch 20 times in the same 5 minute span. the small hand would not move to the next number. it wouldn't. I guess it finally moved though - because now I am sitting at home, alone in the quiet. thank god.

I don't want to dislike my job. it seems I'm always disliking my job. once the nervous feeling of settling in is over, I want out. I get bored. I think I'll like something better.

but I can't change my mind this time. this time I'm staying. I have to. I told myself I would. I'm staying.

I'm getting cranky though. I thought christmas would be the break I needed to reset me. it wasn't.

I'm in mensa. I'm a nerd who doesn't feel like they are smart enough yet somehow passed the test...and every once in a while I go to one of their game nights. last night was one of those nights.

I always feel like I fit in there. in a really odd sort of way. they, well, we, are nerds. half the people are a little socially awkward. I like it because I don't feel like I have to fit in. they unspeakingly forgive my occasional weirdness.

I can't indulge in my 'weirdness' at work. I can�t indulge in anything at work. my mind is on auto-pilot.

my job is not hard. it is the easiest job I�ve ever had. there is no thinking. there is only action. walking the kindergarteners to their classes, telling them to behave. tying shoes, fixing hurts, giving time-outs, serving snack.

my mind is dead.

I come home every day, exhausted�from what, I�m not sure. my job is easy.

I eat, I sleep. I wake up, go to work, suffer each perpetually long minute til I can finally walk back to my car, sit in traffic for over an hour and try to let the day drain off of me. I try to close my ears to the reverberations of kids� talking and my name being called. the sound doesn�t leave me. �mrs. p, mrs. p, mrs. p, mrs. p��

I�m at the point where it feels weird when my friends call me by my real first name.

I exist for people who couldn't care less that I exist. I will be forgotten in a month.

my husband is at drinks right now. yes, �drinks�: meeting people, schmoozing, figuring out leads for his next job - this is hollywood. I�m proud of him. he�s a smart guy and I want him to succeed. but�well, I wonder about my future. how much of my life will be devoted to being �normal�? how long will I have to keep my mind in abeyance?

one day left until the weekend. but I�m no longer excited. I know another monday is right around the corner.

why do I feel like I need a break and what do I need it from?

previous | next

Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying

Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.