Sunday, Jan. 29, 2006 3:50 p.m.
to write...
two days of freedom. or not even necessarily of freedom, but of the ability to live - for myself. the ability to think, to ponder...in all the weird ways that my mind does.
to exist. to feel. to smile...for real.
to get things done. to enjoy my life.
to take my mind off auto-pilot.
it's amazing how refreshing a weekend can be. I don't want to go back to work tomorrow.
we went to the park, had a picnic, sat in the sun, read a book, swung. I felt, I thought, I philosophized. I let my mind wander about.
I thought about heaven and wished it could be just like this moment...and that if it were, I would live the best life possible in order to attain it forever.
but I don't really believe in heaven.
I cursed time and the inevitably of nightfall. I wanted to stay right in that spot, feeling that feeling, forever.
I thought about time and a separate fourth dimension. I thought about things I could and couldn't comprehend. I thought about the doctrine of the trinity. and why that always baffled people, because it never seemed that difficult of a concept to grasp.
I thought about infinity. I thought about the beginning of time, if there was a beginning. what always existed that developed what exists now? how can something not have a beginning? I've heard it explained as a circle, lacking beginning or end - if this is the case, who drew the circle? though the beginning doesn't exist now, it once existed - at the beginning.
my life is filled with passions, most of which are fleeting. only the rare linger and cannot be shaken.
I cannot shake the desire to write.
as of late, it's hit me in full force. perhaps merely as an escapist fantasy for my mind, repulsed by the mundane and puerile occupation of being surrounded by five year olds day after day after day.
but, ahh...to write. to be a writer. an author. to sit in the sun, like today, and think. to take words and create phrases, to find meanings, to develop that which has not yet been translated into something we can grasp, to discover what is paramount and universal to us all.
this is what I seek. this is what I long for. I don't know if I'm any good, or if I'm just another egocentric chasing my delusion.
but I feel it. somewhere. inside. deep. I need to write. and I think I'm going to.
but meanwhile, I have to go and be a simple-minded kindergarten teacher again tomorrow.
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.