Wednesday, Jan. 27, 2010 8:31 p.m.
remembering life before
I swear I wasn't feeling a thing after the first drink - did they make the second one stronger? And after dinner and a mile walk back home, still feeling tipsy? wow. :)
Anyways, an old friend/acquaintance from my college days happened to be in town tonight, staying less than a mile away from me. He emailed me and we agreed to meet up for dinner/drinks, so we went to a happy hour nearby this evening.
It is SO NICE talking to people I knew from my college days! I like the me they remember. I like the openness in discussions. I like the overall acceptance that we're just people, figuring our life out. I mean really, I just miss being able to converse with people. It's funny remembering social groups from college, who we knew, how we've changed...a part of me misses college...an equal portion of me is glad that I'm where I am now. (I like that I started this diary in college though - I like being able to flip back to those times as a reminder of their existence). But I do like remembering who I was.
I wonder if I was more popular than I felt? I remember writing this entry. I remember trying to be as involved as possible, just to be someone, just to be significant. I can't believe this was 7 years ago.
I am the same person I was in my past, and though I feel completely different now, I sometime miss who I used to be. At least I had friends then.
I'm not writing this very well, but I don't feel like diving into my emotions right now in order to describe it better. So for lack of words, I just want to note that there's something from my past that I miss. And that it felt good to talk to someone tonight, as random as it was, who knew me in a previous life. I think it had something to do with an immediate level of acceptance and a not having to prove myself first. It also had to do with a similar background and an understanding that no mater how old we get, we will not have figured it out and that it's not worth it to judge another person based solely on their personal, religious, or political beliefs.
Man, I miss having friends. :)
__________
You know, at first I was going to stop drinking alcohol because of this upcoming egg donation cycle. But because I seem to hardly ever hear from this lady, it makes me wonder if it will ever happen, so I figure a drink or two can't hurt...
And then I start thinking about if I was ever pregnant and having to give up alcohol, and to be honest, since I don't really know if we'll ever be able to have kids anyways, I'm wondering if I even want kids. Part of me would always be missing something, but another part of me will always be able to live my own life. Maybe that's not such a bad thing...maybe we really could be one of those childless couples that grow old together and pursue other things in life...I might actually enjoy that life...
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.