Saturday, Oct. 12, 2002 11:29 a.m.
the goal of Homecoming Queen
ok, so in an earlier entry I think I talked about wanting to be nominated for Homecoming Queen, even though I know it's so stupid (yes, even at my college, 12 seniors are nominated and then a Queen is voted on.)The whole process of picking someone as a queen serves no purpose and benefits only the person who wins and makes everyone else feel as though they aren't cool enough or liked enough. so, it's a dumb, dumb thing...
only, I'd be lying to say that I didn't care about it. I do. I wanted to be nominated. Freshmen year, when I was no one - I decided that I would one day prove that I was someone, and being nominated my senior year was my goal. It made me be involved, it made me put a smile on my face and be happy to others when I was crumbling inside. it made me decide to go to meetings and help people out in all that I could even when I didn't want to. All in all, though it is a silly thing, I needed this goal in order to give me a reason or something to go for. And so I went for it...and I accomplished it.
I think I'm such an oxymoron sometimes. a girl I was meeting the other day, having found out I was a nominee, said something about me being one of the popular girls that would've picked on and teased her in high school. she was being sarcastic, but it made me think still. I'm NOT the typical "I'm the popular homecoming queen nominee" at all. And inside, I'm probably as far away from that type of person as possible. The me that I show in here: an uncool, lonley, deep, thoughtful, confused type of person. so, it makes me think: if I'm like this, with so much more going on inside, maybe all those other guys and girls I thought popular and above me in high school and early college really didn't have it together either. perhaps they're just as lost and confused as me. perhaps we really are all the same.
I think maybe once the actual queen is picked, I can quit pretending and be my real self to EVERYONE and not feel like I have to act homecoming queen nominee worthy. imagine that? for the first time in 3 1/2 years not having to care what people think of me...
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.