Part of me tells me I should stop talking about it, but why else do I have a diary? Either I let it build up and pretend it doesn't exist, or I give it legitimacy and acknowledgment. At least recognizing its existence allows me to reflect on it, and hopefully eventually gain something from it.

I am reminded and think of it everyday. I can distract my mind and not give into thoughts of it, but it lingers still, chipping away a little here, a little there. It's a dull, deep, ever present pain.

I tell myself the good things I have; I tell myself this is just a stepping stone to the future; I remind myself that I enjoy my job, that I love my husband, and that all my basic needs are meet. I ultimately have nothing to complain about.

But that does not diminish these feelings.

The crux of many of my most central beliefs about life. Laughing in my face. Mocking my inability. How do you continue to believe in the future when the previous future has continually let you down?

I'm tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of living here, tired of my slow decline into oblivion, tired of being different, tired of being forgotten, tired of hoping.

My husband works so much I am practically single. I am home alone all day. I no longer have even a dog to keep me company. I am probably going to be moving in a couple months. I don't want to do the moving thing again; I'm no longer excited at the prospect of living somewhere new. Growing a garden here has become pointless. We are being swallowed in debt; we are moving not only to re-claim our dog, but in order to degrade to a cheaper 1-bedroom. I no longer care about my husband's industry, in fact, I am somewhat repulsed by it. I don't want to raise children in this environment, but K has no other skills and nowhere else he can go. Plus, it is still his dream, and I am obligated to support it.

Maybe I shouldn't even plan for eventual children. I don't know if still having hope, and still thinking about how I want to raise them, does more harm than good. I honestly don't know what is the best thing for me to do.

Maybe it's best not to think about an escape from this this life. Maybe it's best to accept the present, no matter how imprisoning it feels. The present is all I can know. It is all that is.

I view the future as both escapist fantasy and depressing confinement. But the dichotomy of the two negate each other...and I am left feeling empty. Numb. With my heart still heavy.

I can't explain it exactly, but I just feel like the second lady is the "right" person to match with. But I've already agreed via email to the first one and been set up at the clinic and everything. But the longer and longer it takes to hear from her, and with the uncertainly regarding the contract and everything else...I'm just not sure that it's feeling right.

I'll of course honor my original word (if the first lady gets back to me), but I think I'm kind of secretly hoping that that match falls through and I can match with the second lady instead. :)

9:27pm: So AS I WAS SAVING THE CHANGES TO THE ABOVE ADDENDUM, guess who I finally get an email from? The first lady. Is it bad that I'm a little disappointed?

Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.