2002-02-02 3:11 p.m.
my brand new family
Well, I haven't written a whole bunch in here although I've been wanting to. I want to keep a record of my life here in LA because I can feel myself learning and changing everyday.
But, there's one computer in this house and it's in the living room and I feel kinda weird typing in a journal while my cousins and aunt and uncle are all sitting there, you know?
Well, it's very different learning to live in a brand new family and trying to be part of it, but not really. I don't exactly know to be. I have my own room, but I'm not paying rent becaus they said that family shouldn't. I almost think I'd feel better paying rent. So, I try to do other things, like help out as much as possible and run errands and make dinner, but it's weird because I'm not really a guest and I don't really live here. What makes it real hard is that there are 4 cousins here that I wasn't real close to before I came. But now, I know them petty good and feel almost as if they are my younger brother and sisters. BUT, does that mean I can treat them as brothers and sisters?
My 9 yr old cousin is pretty cool and I like to play cards with her and stuff, but I guess after 2 1/2 weeks, it's time to figure out where I stand to her. She was really annoying me today and I asked her nicely to leave, and when she said "no, this is my house, not yours", I knew things were about to get difficult. What am I supposed to do? Let her keep bugging me? Treat her as a sister and push her away or tell my aunt and uncle? it's just real weird because I don't know what to do. She's too young to sit down and explain that it's weird for me too and try to work it out, but she's too old to just ignore it. Ahhh!!! I don't know! It's just weird and I have 4 1/2 more months of being here, how is that gonna be? Will I end up feeling like part of the family or just someone that's renting the room, for free?
I've never lived in a brand new family before, I wonder if this is in any way what it would feel like being a new stepmom or stepdad moving into an already established famly. I'm sure I don't have as much pressure as that, but still, I'm beginning to wonder how weird this is going to be.
p.s. the date is: 02-02-02, cool, huh? :)
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.