Monday, Feb. 09, 2004 2:55 p.m.
being an "adult" really sucks.
i'm at work. i want to type right now because i'm getting stressed or something and writing is usually my best out. but i feel like i can't write. both becuase i have way too much to do at work right now and also becuase i don't feel like my life is worthy of being written about currently. i'm becoming really boring and it's really annoying me. this really isn't a bad job at all, but i'm getting so stir crazy!!! i can't stand being in an office. i was not built to be sitting down all day!!!! i wake up, go to work, do all the stuff that i'm supposed to, come home, watch some stupid reality tv, make dinner, try to read or watch a dvd only to fall asleep and wake up and do the whole thing over again. i'm living from paycheck to paycheck right now. i never thought i'd really know what this feels like. i know exactly when my paychecks will be credited to my account and when i can write which checks that won't be cashed until after then so that it won't bounce. i hate being like this. i'm not big spender, i buy generic groceries, and i hardly ever buy new clothes and i'm really good at managing my money. but i only make so much and taxes take out a lot and rent is close to half my months income, and my student loan payments are about a 2/3 of what's left after that and while i'm making it, it's just really been cutting close the past few weeks. and i just hate being like this. so grown-up feeling. no wonder we only have time to think and philosohpize when we're young. this adult stuff is stupid. and it's been making me boring. and i really, really, really, really need to get out of this office setting. i went to the beach for a few hours yesterday and seriously, i think i'm in love with that place. i love the outdoors. i love being active and doing anything that does not involve sitting in a chair in front of a computer screen (well, except for maybe writing in this diaryland diary). right now, i just want out of this life i'm in. it really isn't so bad, but even not being so bad is bad. if it was a bad life, i'd feel justified in my complaining of it, but since i still feel miserable and it's not that bad, i feel even worse. yeah, so i don't care that that doesn't make sense. it's still true. and that's what matters. maybe it's just monday. who knows? i've got to get back to work. less than 3 hrs. till i go home...not that home is any more exciting than work to look forward to... god, i need out of this place. i could puke i'm so sick of this adult life.
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.