Wednesday, Feb. 15, 2006 11:59 a.m.
should is not could
am I wasting a year of my life in this job? as I sit there and watch these kids run around the playground...as they run up to me and ask me to tie their shoes...tattle on each other...say they have to go to the bathroom...
I wonder. I think about my original doubts. or not doubts really, but concerns. these were my fears - and now my realities.
the calendar at school has a special date marked in next week: the 100th day of school.
I tried to count how many days are still left. I got discouraged and quit when I got to 75. I think there like 80 or 90 or something though.
I am only halfway.
my days all feel the same - like my life is wasting away.
are some people meant to be certain things in life? not like in a 'fate' type of way, but in a predisposition kind of way - that some people are geared with certain types of intelligence and/or personalities that make them better equipped for certain occupations...and not others? can everyone really be whatever they want?
or better-phrased - SHOULD everyone be able to be whatever they want?
last night in (my awful) class, they kept talking about how every student should be given the same opportunity to succeed. I couldn't help but question this in my mind (I didn't speak it ouloud - I would be shunned from the other teacher wannabes in there).
are some people predisposed to certain occupations? is everyone equal? should everyone be equal?
instead of encouraging the gifted kids to become a hip-hop rapper if that's what they want - should we instead encourage them for jobs where their minds and creativity will be utilized and fulfilled and society as a whole will benefit?
instead of encouraging the not-so-bright kids to be a NASA scientist if that's what they want to do - should we instead encourage them to find occupations that highlight the things they are already good at?
(I'm saying encourage, not force.)
why do we tell people they can be anything they want if they work hard at it? this simply isn't true.
I don't know what my conclusion to all this is...one will probably come after I ponder if for a bit...but right now, these are the things going on in my head.
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.