2002-02-16 7:17 p.m.
the best thing I've ever done
Alright, well, this week has had a bit of ups and downs. I haven't necessarily gotten depressed (I've actually been doing pretty good since I've been out here in L.A., away from the pressures that come from trying to pretend I fit the mold I'm supposed to back at school.), but ups and downs as in the way things are turing out.
I got kinda 'demoted' in one of my internships, and I don't really know why, but it was much of a letdown. I despise my job. I think I'm going to quit. The family I'm staying with here is, well, annoying sometimes. I want to live on my own, not with a family w/young kids. Here I am in L.A., supposed to be having the time of my life and living it up, right? well, I know nobody to go do anything with and so I actually have feelings of lonliness a lot. Plus, I'd really like to start dating some guys out here, but I don't really seem to get a chance to meet them 'cause I never really go anywhere. It's kinda a lose/lose situation. Hopefully, things will change before I leave here and so all my Saturday nights won't be spent writting entries in my diaryland diary, like I'm doing right now. :)
BUT, both my internships are becoming REALLY cool! I actually enjoy working for free! :) I feel like I'm actually doing something that matters in my life here. The Bunim-Murray(Real World/Road Rules) internship has especially been cool this past week! I've gotten to do things that actually matter!
It is totally crazy to think that less than 4 months ago I was still trying to be on these shows that I am right now seeing how are made. 4 months ago my life was still stuck in the monotony of boredom!!!!! This, I think, has just about passed that trip to Brazil I took in '98 as THE BEST THING I'VE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE!!
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.