Wednesday, Feb. 18, 2004 10:07 p.m.
sophie's world
that wasn�t 2 1/2 hrs. i don�t care what my clock said. time didn�t exist in the world i was just in. for all i knew, i could�ve been gone for 20 min. or 5 hrs. i wouldn�t�ve noticed either way. in that world, the vague concept of time was measured only in the occasional limb shifting to avoid numbness, or the turning of a page, although both ran together and without notice so that even that vague concept of time was unimportant. i know i can�t attribute it to a book, i mean, it was just a book, and there have been better and worse books written throughout time. the book is just one of several factors recently making my head spin and think. lately i�ve been getting close to feeling things that i haven�t felt since i was in high school � i don�t want to call it spirituality or Christianity, because i can explain both of those and don�t believe stuff the way i should to feel them � but that�s kinda what it is. it�s ironic how philosophy (real questioning-everything-philosophy, not elitist trying-to-sound-smart philosophy) is like an addiction that just keeps pulling you to discover answers but seems to lead only to big question marks. yet we�re still so freakin drawn to it like a bug zapper!! ahhh!! i�d say it�s frustrating and i hate it, but that�s not true at all, because sometimes i almost live solely for it. i think the more i question things as a typical young person does, the more mature and conservative i become. but not mature as in a boring, crotchety old woman way, but in a hmm-maybe-life-will-be-freer-and-more-enjoyable-if-we-have-standards-to-live-by way. i think the trick being young is to question everything to your heart�s content, but not necessarily to rebel just for rebellions sake. or if you�re going to rebel, at least question why you�re rebelling� i love how all good courses in philosophy take you on a tour of all these good arguments and make you twist your mind around in ways that make you doubt everything you think you know and develop new indeterminate hypothesizes, yet ultimately drop you back in a grand conclusion of utter uncertainty and mystery. it�s fun.
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.