Friday, Feb. 20, 2004 6:16 p.m.

reality tv saved my life

it�s funny that there these things in my life that are really stupid and inconsequential, but somehow they influenced a whole chain of events and made me into who�ve i�ve turned out to be.

ok, so way back before "reality tv" was even considered as a genre...before Survivor changed television as we know it...before america had any concept of American Idol...there was only one show that mattered. and that show was: Making the Band.

yeah, so it was a show about the forming of a boy band and not at all meant to be a life-altering experience, but somehow, through a series of successive events, it was for me...

it began to air during the midst of my worst depression when i couldn�t find a reason to get out of bed. and because this �unscripted television� thing was so unique, it actually got my attention and i found myself caring about the guys and their dreams. and that�s the biggest thing that depression had caused me to lose: the ability to care.

so, i started taping the shows and then i got my sister addicted too. and we�d call each other up and talk about the show like we were stupid middle schoolers. it was fun. so like a typical fan, i looked up the show online, and i ended up discovering that the company that made Making the Band also made the Real World. and i figured that i needed to experience more than my sheltered life had offered me and sent in an audition tape. i didn�t tell a soul about it, but ended up getting called back a week later, making it to round 2. i never made it any farther, but for a brief moment, i felt like maybe i was a semi-cool person, and that felt good...

while looking on the website about how to audition, i also saw that the company offered an internship. i thought, �hey how cool would that be to get to work on Making the Band?!� but stupidly, most people, i wanted to be ON camera, so i never considered it. i ended up auditioning twice more for the Real World (which is actually right around when i started this diaryland thing) before i realized that an internship at this company would be the next best thing and i could still get away from my life for a bit.

i have no freakin idea why the hell they ended up choosing me for the internship, but they did. so, still as my complete na�ve self, i came out to this incredibly scary los angeles to work at this incredibly �worldly� company where people were actually non-christians, and even weirder, possibly gay. i practically had my own �Real World� experience � i finally began to feel comfortable in my own skin, if you will.

so, anyways, so sum the rest of my life up, i went back to school, graduated, came back out here to los angeles and now i work in reality tv. my name is in the credits of a tv show, and i�m probably about to go work production on another show. i�m actually on the �other side� of reality shows.

today at work i had to go pull some old tapes from the vault of some of our old shows, including Making the Band, and find some clips. so, as i sat there and watched the opening of Making the Band and heard the theme music, i can�t even tell you how much it took me back in time. but it didn�t just take me back to 4 yrs. ago - it almost took my memory in a complete circle. it took me from today to 4 yrs. ago and back through all the process that brought me here today.

and it�s really so weird, because it�s just a stupid reality show, nothing more, nothing less. but i really, really can�t imagine my life now if it hadn�t been for that show. i wonder if something else would�ve come along in it�s place and knocked me out of the depression i was suffering from...or what if nothing had come...could suicide have claimed my life...

it�s just really weird to think about: a reality show may have saved my life! :)

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