Sunday, Feb. 29, 2004 6:57 p.m.

all that makes me weird.

earlier today i got into another argument with my roommate � it�s so weird to me because i�ve never had problems dealing with anyone like i have with her. and i can�t figure out why she�s hard to deal with, but in trying so, i�m questioning a lot of things about me.

i think i�m abnormal. and i think this is why i like this diaryland place so much � it�s filled with other weirdos like me! well, i mean, i�m normal as in i look normal, i hang out with friends as normal, i have a normal job, etc. i don�t really appear weird on the outside � but i still think am. i think too much. i�ve always known this. but it makes it really hard for me to form any type of relationship with others beyond casual friends unless they are other �weird thinkers� too.

anyways, so my roommate � i have to question myself and realize that i could totally be in the wrong. what things are screwed up about me? i really just want the world to make sense � i want things to be good � i want to have everything figured out. and that�s why our inability to get along fascinates and yet frustrates me so much. i don�t understand how someone can think as she does. actually though, i guess i don�t really understand anyone who doesn�t think like me. maybe that�s my problem.

i deal with people by finding a way to relate to them, so therefore in order to understand someone�s thinking, i put their thinking into terms of my thinking. maybe this is where i�m wrong. but...how can i be wrong? the only way to ever understand anyone else is to first understand yourself. we can never actually experience how another person feels or thinks. the only way we can understand another person is by relating what we know about humankind from what we learned by personal experience.

or maybe i�m just plain selfish and unwilling to think outside of myself. i really don�t understand people who don�t think like me and maybe i�m wrong for that. maybe i really am a horrible person. maybe i really am screwed up and awful to live with and i just deceive myself into thinking that i�m an ok person. i wish i could have both an outsiders opinion and my own opinion of myself to see who and what i really am like. i know i sometimes spaz about things and i think too much and therefore make things to be way too big of a deal sometimes and sometimes i hate playing the polite sociable game and so i�m kinda rude and blunt and antisocial, but i do have some good things about me too, right? what am i lying to myself about and what is the truth about how i really am?

i think i just want to have everything figured out, which is sadly probably impossible to do. why am i like this? girls aren�t supposed to think this much!!

will i ever be normal and un-weird?

but then, what is weird? what�s considered normal anyways? ahh!! i�ve got to stop asking myself questions all the time!!! what is wrong with me?? {that was another question, wasn�t it...}

i�m a loser. :)

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