Tuesday, Mar. 01, 2011 6:35 p.m.

There. I said it.

I told someone today. IRL. It was surprisingly natural coming out of my mouth.

I don't see my co-teachers often. That's what I get for teaching at an online school. But there was some testing today, so I saw a couple teachers for a couple hours while we proctored. I was chatting with one guy while waiting for some kids to be picked up. He's a new teacher this year; I'd met him only once before, months ago. Of the 5 teachers there, he's the one I've spoken to the least. We were talking about how late we sleep in on the weekdays (hey, we teach virtually - we have strange schedules), and he mentioned having two kids, aged 3 and 5, that get him up early. The guy looked younger than me, so I was a bit surprised he had kids that old. No matter that though, he said something about being jealous that, me being without kids, that I can just roll out of bed at 8:45 and go to class. Then I just naturally said, "well, my husband and I are expecting our first in September, so I'm sure I won't be in this boat for too much longer." He said congrats, told me to get my sleep now, and then our conversation continued on to other polite things. As momentous as it was that I uttered those words, the strange thing is, I wasn't even surprised I said it. He was a random co-worker; it was a random conversation. He doesn't really have anyone to tell, and I'm actually ok that I told him.

My family though? Totally different story. I don't know how to tell them and I haven't yet. I'm not excited to tell them. They just got their first grandkid in December; my kid will be nothing special to them. Plus, since they knew of our trying-to-conceive difficulties, I'm afraid that now they'll assume that everything is "better" and that my previous secret infertility pain has been assuaged. It hasn't. And I don't know it it ever will. I'm still bitter. I still cringe at facebook announcements. It's still painful that it didn't come easily or natural. None of them know what K and I went through the past two years; how it affected our marriage, and us as people; what it's like to imagine a life without children, and of feeling "broken" to your biological purpose...and I know they can never truly understand how humbled I am to have been given this opportunity.

We had an Oscars party at our house on Sunday and we toyed with the idea of leaving the ultrasound picture on the fridge to see who would notice, but at the last minute, I couldn't do it. I'm not prepared for others' reactions, or congratulations, or excitement, or whatever response they give. This whole trying-to-conceive process (and then my egg donations before that) have all be something I've kept secret and close to me the past several years. Not something that anyone had needed to know about, and not something I've needed to share. So I don't know how to share it now.

One thing is for sure though. I will NEVER announce on facebook. Never. I'm sticking to this. K will too. If a live birth does result out of this, I'll announce then. But no pregnancy announcements or pregnancy mentions. Ever. It's still my hope that someone else out there in facebookland is also struggling to conceive, and I refuse to put them through more pain of seeing yet another announcement from me. Afterall, in my heart, I still feel much more like them than a typical pregnant woman.

So there. I said it. I'm 11 weeks 3 days pregnant and due Sept. 17.

I'm still not really comfortable talking about it though, but I at least figured that it's time that I officially said something about it here, instead of just alluding to obscure life changes in previous entries.
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one thing that I will definitely say though, is that so far at least: being pregnant is not necessarily as big of a deal physically as people make it seem.

Maybe I'm one of the lucky ones, or maybe I'm just not focusing on things, or maybe I refuse to complain about anything because I'm so thrilled to be here, but I swear that if I hadn't been trying and testing, I might not even know I was pregnant right now, as I could pass any of the slight "off" feelings I'm having as something else entirely. It's amazing how normal I actually feel.

Which helps me not want to tell anyone.

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