2002-03-09 8:24 a.m.
I don't know how to describe this entry
OK, I really have no clue whatsoever as to why I am writing an entry right now. I guess I kind of not in the best mood, and I'm hoping that if I sit and write a bit of it out, I'll feel better and my day will turn out good.
I talked to my friend on the phone last night. She goes to school with me and is also out here doing some film program. We were talking about life out here and things we're learning and what we want to eventually do. She was so frustrated becuase she didn't know if she was where God wanted her. She didn't know if she was being any type of light the people she works with, and she said that that was the reason she wanted to work in the industry at all: to make a difference. What the crap am I supposed to say back to all this?? She dosen't know what I believe about God. I can't tell her that maybe she should just enjoy herself out here and look for the crazy beauty in this weird world of entertainment. I am learning so much out here about people and stuff, because I'm not so wrapped up in looking for 'God's place' for me or looking for ways to change people. I'm just here trying to figure out what makes this place, Hollywood, work.
Then I talked to my mom and I don't know what it is that always seems to depress me when I talk to her. I guess, deep down, I just wish my mom was the type of mom that I could come to with all the choices I'm facing and ask her for advice. I really want to talk to her about what she thinks of me transferring out here. I want to tell here what I'm learning about about this industry. I want to grapple about religion with her and tell her the perhaps typical struggles someone my ages faces with it. But I can't. I've sort of tried hinting about several of these, and it gets met with her getting hurt feelings in some way or another.
Anyways, so I don't know what to do about anything right now. I think I'm gonna drive about an hour all by myself to the beach today and just hang out with myself. (hanging out with myself is all I do anyways!) The beach is peaceful and always makes me feel good. Well, actually, maybe not considering Spring Break just started. Maybe the beach won't be peaceful at all, and I'm still really stuck with nothing to do that will make me feel better!
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.