Thursday, Mar. 11, 2004 1:34 a.m.
fired?
you know, i hate sucking. (and no, i�m not talking about that, you dirty mind...) i hate being the loser, the one who can�t do anything right, the one who screws everything up. i hate sucking at stuff. and right now, i�m sucking at the one thing that i want to excel at. it sucks. i�m afraid i might be fired. i�ve never been fired before. i don�t think i fit in with this industry no matter how hard i try. i try really hard to act like i fit in, but maybe i�m not built with the attitude that seems to be required. it�s not the end of the world to me if something can�t be taken care of right this moment. i like eating un-healthy food, i don�t care if a hotel has a good gym or not. i personally prefer the �podunk� towns to the big cities. i hate hearing all these crappy l.a. types complain about stuff. people in this industry are so stuck on getting their needs taken care of that they forget that other people are real people who don�t really care about helping them. i want so bad to redeem myself. i wish so hard that the accident never happened. i already know that i�m both the youngest and least experienced person on crew, and that i have a lot to learn. but it�s just hard when i feel like no one has any confidence in me which makes me not have any confidence in myself. and that�s not a good spiral to get into. they�re not letting me drive anymore. i feel like i�m walking on eggshells and that i�m about to be sent home any minute. i�m trying to do all i can to show that i really do want to be here. i just walked around to everyone�s hotel rooms at 1am and delivered call sheets to the entire crew in 30 something degree weather. i could see my breath. i was in a thin sweatshirt and flip flops. i have to make labels for all the vechicles and posts them before call time tomorrow. i just want to start doing things right. i�m not used to sucking at things that i guienely try my hardest at doing well.
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.