Monday, Mar. 15, 2004 10:25 p.m.

this crazy trip

you know how sometimes you can sit there and feel like you need to write but you just sit there and stare at the keyboard because it�s like there�s too much that you need to say to make sense, but that overall it isn�t important anyways, so all those thoughts and stuff just kinda get stuck and clog up the flow of all your thoughts? well, even if you have no clue what i�m talking about, i think it�s a little like writers block or something. and it�s making me hesitate writing something.

i don�t like writing a �today i did this and that� type of journal (though recently this is what it has become), however, because my life is currently revolving around the on-the-road production of a network reality show, and because the entirety of my days is focused on my job, and because i only interact socially with others on crew, i feel like i have nothing else to write.

things have gotten better. they really have, i don�t think i�m going to be fired anymore. i don�t think i suck as much and i�m finally starting to figure out what�s going on. plus, the actual shooting has started, and i can�t tell you how cool it is to actually be there behind the camera crews, watching them run around shooting the cast who are acting as if they aren�t there. i feel part of the privileged few to really know what goes on behind reality tv.

i feel as though i want to pick apart all this stuff and accurately describe everything so that i can really remember this crazy production trip. but there has been so much to think about and then no time to think about it. i�ve been working at AT LEAST 12 hr. days the past 9 days. i don�t really have off time, and even if i did, i wouldn�t know what to do with myself. i actually got off at a normal time tonight, and to be honest, i feel kinda directionless. and lonely, come to think of it. it�s weird when your entire life becomes your job. like, when even when you�re �off� you�re still not off.

it�s also interesting being with and working with all these fast-paced, l.a. type of people amongst all these slower-paced, southern type of people. it�s hard for me to reconcile the two. i feel as though i�m obligated to do my job and associate myself with the l.a. people, but sometimes i just want to be part of the locals. i want to yell out, �i�m one of y�all! not one of those crazy big city production people!� whenever other members of the crew make fun of some of the people here or even the small town we�re in, i�m always there saying, �well, you have to understand...� and trying to make these people who�ve never experienced small town life really consider the pros of it before speaking. it�s kinda weird being the in-between. i don�t think everyone realizes that i used to live in a double-wide at one point, that i�m from a small town, that i went to an ultra-conservative bible belt school, and that a lot of times i�m more like the local people here than like the others on crew.

oh, but i did find out today that one of the girls in the art dept. here on crew went to ACU back in like �88!! ok, so out of the 35 or so people on crew � i�m with someone else that went to ACU!! it�s really, really ironic. first my ucla extension philosophy teacher, now another member of my crew. and it�s such a small school in the middle of nowhere, and it doesn�t exactly breed los angeles, �secular� philosophy and entertainment types of people, either. we are the rare exceptions. and as much as i�ve often thought that ACU wasn�t the best choice for me, i�m beginning to wonder if maybe it was right for me to go there after all.

i find it really ironic that even when things don�t work out (like me getting into that car wreck in that company van or going to ACU), they a lot of times still end up working out later down the road. even battling depression and hopelessness from losing my faith, even living day-to-day with suicidal thoughts � it all seems now as if they�ve really only made me a stronger person and in a way that i would�ve never, ever, ever, ever believed when i was experiencing them, everything i�ve ever gone through has only seemed to be for my own good.

of course, i�m saying all this in hindsight, and though things seem clearer in hindsight (you know, �hindsight is 20/20�), they are also seen however you want to see them (i should make up a new saying: �hindsight is rose-colored glasses that you remember to be clear�).

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