Sunday, Mar. 16, 2003 11:26 p.m.
my future...revealed
wow. it's been 16 days since my last entry. and looking back, it's one of those things where it seems like so much has happened that there's no point in going back and trying to re-live all of it.
but I did learn something: NEVER try to do a 25 pg. paper in two days! Thank God college is soon to be over, 'cause I thought I was going to have to kill myself!
I spent my Spring Break by myself...but was anything but lonley. I get so wrapped up in here, in ACU, in my stupid life that I forget about life out there...the "real" world. Spring Break was like a breath of fresh air, a reminder that my future lies ahead of me and that there's so much more to life than lingerie showers, history papers, student goverment, social status and weekend parties.
People at this school and in this area of the country tend to get stuck in this rut where dreams are just an enjoyable thought, never to become a reality. Everyone begins to fit the same mold, everyone marries at the same time, everyone becomes unordinarly ordinary. No one dreams to be something else, instead they become comfortable with the ways things are.
But, oh, I really can do something if I want! Sure, it takes a bit of self-confidence, a willingness to risk being uncertain of tomorrow, but this uncertain step must be taken to see what's out there!
I spent the entire week by myself at a film festival. I learned a lot. Talked to a lot of people. Got a lot of advice about my future. (and saw A LOT of films!) And I remembered that I do have a future and not just a now. I should be working on my future a bit more than I am. I spent the week away from ACU and was reminded that there is something, plently, outside of it. Outside of it is where I want to be.
My future is still as uncertain as before Sping Break. But now, I'm ready for it. I'm confident in it. I'm excited for it.
I think I just want to be there and not here.
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.