2002-03-29 7:02 a.m.
morning
Well, I am definitly turning into a morning person. And not just any morning person, a super-early morning person. I guess the fact that I have to leave for work at 6:15am (wake up at 5am) 3 days a week is doing a number on me. And it's not like I have a reason to stay up at night. I do nothing out here.
God, I'm starting to get down again. I think the super-boredom from this weekend helped. I sleep a lot here. Seriously. I can't harldy stay awake past 10pm and then by 5am I'm ready to go. I get so bored in the evenings,and when I have nothing to do, I seem to think "sleep. sleep is better than being bored. it will hurry up and bring you to the next day so you don't have to deal with being bored. so sleep." And I fall asleep by 10pm. I try to keep myself busy, but I can't really get on the computer 'cause my aunt or someone will be on. All the TV shows bore me. I try to put in a movie, but I have fallen asleep during Pulp Fiction for the past 3 nights now! I still haven't seen the whole thing. I could read, or write, but still, it only succeds in me being bored and wanting to sleep. Of course, when I wake up at 5am, I'm so frustrated with myself for wasting my whole night before. I'm always frustrated with myself.
I should go and do something tonight with the people I know out here. But I almost don't want to call them up and be social. I'd rather come back here and sleep. But I know I have to go do something, I have to have some fun, I have to knock myself out of this now, before it gets worse.
so, here it is, morning and I'm the computer. It's the only time when I'm wide awake and it's quiet 'cause no one else is awake yet and I can sit here and think w/o TV, kids yelling, phones ringing that distract me. Some people stay up late at night to have the same type of quiet that I'm having now, but seeing as how I can't seem to make myself stay awake, morning will have to do.
OK, If I do not go do something with all of them tonight, or at least try, I will be seriously mad at myslef and anyone who reads this can be mad at me too, OK? I will do something fun tonight, I will!!!
I hope.
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.