2002-03-30 4:26 p.m.

emotional rollercoaster

I've like been on this emotional roller coaster this week or something! I've gotten way more down than I have been in quite awhile. I don't know what's been up with me recently, but it is no fun.

For the first time in my life, I think I'm getting homesick. But I really don't want to admit it becuase I don't hate being here. I love California and I know I may even cry when I have to leave. But I miss things. I miss my sisters and being goofy with them. I miss hanging out and flirting with guys back at school. I miss being able to go to classes in pj pants and a sweatshirt and just pull my hair into a ponytail, or if I feel fun, pigtails. I miss staying up til 2am with friends. I miss having friends. And though this sounds crazy, I miss being busy and stressed with school stuff.

But I LOVE being out here. I love this place. I love the fact that there's so many Jewsish people around me who are celebrating Passover right now. This is such a foregin holiday to me. I love how things are different here - more free. I love that I never have to go to church on Sundays. I love how the weather is always sunny. I love watching movies and seeing Los Angeles stuff and knowing what they're talking about. I love how strange the entertainment industry is and trying to figure it out although I know I never will.

I'm getting very broke. Gas is freaking expensive here ($1.60/gallon) and I drive a lot and I only have so much savings left. I've been getting lonley. I didn't do anything last night. I called, but they had gone to Mexico. yeah, so lonliness is probably the worst thing about being here. I love my aunt, uncle and cousins, but I need friends to go have fun in L.A. with. I feel like I'm missing out on my L.A. experience. I also had this unfortunate hope that I would meet a guy out here. Ha!! As if! :(

Also, recently, for some reason, I feel as though I've gained weight and it's making me feel rather ugly. I've never been like this before, really caring about my weight, but I usually keeep myself WAY busier, and I've been feeling very lazy recently. And when I'm bored, I eat more. And so, I'm just beginning to feel gross.

I want to go back to my waitress job like I had over the summer because I was so busy and didn't have time to eat so I lost weight. I also made a TON of money, and that was nice. Plus, there was that one certain guy I worked with. Hmm...he made work exciting :) Oh and all the guys I waited on that I got to flirt with...OK, I've got to stop remembering. But that really was a good time.

yeah, so this week has been weird. I got so frustrated with myself yesterday afternoon and felt so lonley that I started to cry driving down the 405. talk about being a dork! :)

4 more weeks til I go home. I really don't know what to think.

previous | next

Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying

Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.