Sunday, Apr. 06, 2003 1:05 p.m.
to think or to be happy...this is the question
I'm thinking again.
Last night was my sorority formal. I chose my date through a somewhat random process. Pretty much, it was the deadline to know our dates name and address (to mail the invitation) and I had no one. So, I made a desperate little bargian w/my mind: I would ask the first guy that came up and started to talk to me. So, after the particular philosophy class I discussed in an earlier entry, two guys came up to me and started talking. (in my head, slightly relieved: "well, it looks like there's two together and I can't just ask one, so I won't ask. oh well") But then one of the guys left for class and I knew that, though I didn't know this guy well, I would regret it if I didn't do the inevitable and just ask him. So I did.
I knew we'd have a three hour bus ride to formal (we drove to Dallas) and figured that at least since this guy was in my philosophy class, he must be deep, so we'd have something to discuss and pass the time. I was right.
I must admit that I haven't found many people that I can connect on an intellectual/philosophical level with. Maybe because I haven't gotten into many one-on-one discussions with others who do not claim some sort of religious faith. And I suppose that's understandable going to a Christain university in a smaller city in the "bible belt". So, I started thinking again...and while it was rather fufilling to be talking to someone else who understands the difficulties of claiming the practically-punishable "sin" of thinking beyond Christianity here (he considers himself practically an atheist)...part of me now, the next morning, is even more unfulfilled than before.
(I understand that this would be the brief pause where a well-meaning Christian would jump in and say "look how unfulfilled you are now...look to God, pray for Him to show you He's there, etc. And I don't think that this is a stupid thought, but that right now, I just don't think hearing this applies)
I was getting to a point where I was satsified with living everyday life, with the reality of going through the actions and choosing to associate meaning with them. I want to be happy. And sometimes happiness=ignorance. The more I think, the more life seems to be explained away. So the question comes down to this:
Should I live to discover truth, no matter unpleasant those discoveries may be, or should I willingly suspend the tendencies to question in order to simply live life and be happy?
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.