Sunday, Mar. 30, 2003 1:32 a.m.

then I came home...

ahh...the joys of waiting tables...

I've decided that working and being busy, though not always fun or easy, puts me in a good mood; it makes me happy. I�m doing something, I�m interacting with people and sharing, if even just for a brief second, a snippet of their life. Perhaps I won�t make much of a difference in anyone�s lives that I wait on, and they probably won�t make much of a difference in mine, but it�s just the collective appreciation of people�s lives that I experience. The older couple who were driving their RV back to Northern California, me telling about my California plans, their advice for me to go for the adventure of moving to L.A. while I�m young and unattached...I don�t know their names and they likely will forget mine, but somehow, our conversation made a difference...

...flirting with the table full of guys from out of town...the little kid who dropped a plate and broke it....my college admissions counselor ...running into a guy I went on a date with earlier this semester...forgetting to bring a glass of water to a table three times and knowing they must think I�m an idiot...all these things really make no difference in life itself, yet these are the things that make up life.

oh, and then the fulfillment found in the simple act of sitting down after 12 hrs. on your feet! You can�t really appreciate until you�ve experienced something�s absence...and in this case, the absence being off your feet! Life is so much better when you have to work hard for the little things...I hope I never get to a point where my life is easy...I hope I never take for granted that which I haven�t worked for.

and then I come home...
My roommate had left a voicemail asking me to be quiet when I come in, seeing as she went to bed at 11pm. I�m sorry I have to work til after then! I�m sorry we share a room and I have to search in the dark for pj�s and my bed squeaks and my sheets make noises as I get into them...and mostly I�m sorry I�m sharing a room w/a light sleeper who goes to bed early! And then I�m in the living room and my other roommate and her fianc� come home and it�s the exchange of the awkard �oh, we didn�t realize you were here, uh, I guess we�ll say goodnight outside� looks...they go outside...SEVERAL minutes later, my roommate comes back in, and asks in a chipper tone, �So how was your day?� as though she actually cares...which she probably doesn�t, but it�s kind of an obligation to exchange at least some sort of greeting at this point. I hate that reasoning. If you don�t care...don�t ask...it�ll sound like you actually mean it if you ask sparingly. and of course she�s in a good mood...she�s got a fianc� and all...she�s got someone who will love her and be there for her for the rest of her life, she�s got a best friend...

When it comes down to it: I think I�m jealous. I think that�s why it�s so hard live in this house...every moment here is a constant reminder that I am totally alone. In two months - I will have no one. I will be on my own. Any thoughts I think will be shared with this journal alone. No one I will know will know nor understand my past...no one will be able to say they knew me back when I wasn�t the me I am now. No one will be able to laugh with me at those old inside jokes...those jokes will cease to exist. Who will love me? Who will like me? Who will know me well enough to know who I am and what I mean, and forgive all those times I make a fool of myself? It�s scary...and as much as I am excited about the uncertainty of my future, living here only reminds me everyday of the bad aspects of this choice.

so yeah, I don�t have a way to sum this all up and draw a conclusion today...it�s just that which is going through my head.

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