Sunday, Apr. 06, 2008 12:49 p.m.
feeling pretty
Another bar last night. I usually don't go to those things anymore; film industry conversations bore me, dressing up is too much of a hassle, and I feel like an outcast among the haze of alcohol and the mating game.
But I went last night. I threw myself together in a hurry, complete with wet hair and makeup done in the car. I'm typically one to hide in a bar crowd, feeling unimpressive, but something surprised me about my reflection in the bathroom upon reaching our destination last night: I actually looked kind of good. Actually, I looked kind of hot, and seeing as how I don't usually get dressed up, I felt an odd sense of pride for the ownership of my body.
I removed my black sweater, let my low cut dress hang from my body, and my long hair flow around my bare sholders in a way that made me feel, well, sexy. classy. feminine.
It might be arrogant to say, but I suddenly swelled with a self confidence that I usually lack.
I took the long way back to my husband and group of friends. I wanted to stand out from the crowd, my light blue dress moving through the palette of blacks and browns. I walked with confidence and I allowed myself to play the part of someone else; someone pretty, someone desired; someone noticed...someone single. I smiled at guys, I saw them turn their heads, check me out, notice my noticeable cleavage.
I felt a little like an object...but I felt a lot like a woman. And I liked that. A lot. I felt powerful.
I returned to my husband, to our friends, and became myself again. I stole quick glances at K though, hoping and wondering if he felt the pride of my belonging to him, that out of everyone else, I had chosen him...and that he'd be the only one I'd ever belong to.
He told me later that I looked hot last night and I know that he meant it.
But, even though I don't know if I should admit this, I think it was more exhilarating to have other guys look at me, knowing that they can't have me, than to have my own husband look at me, and knowing that he can.
ahh...but that is marriage...good thing I'm still in love with him...
Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.