Thursday, April 8, 2004 9:50 p.m.
hello, are you there?
dear �revisions�, you know the feeling you get when you really really want to talk to someone and you keep calling and calling but all you get is that person�s answering machine over and over and you keep hanging up before the beep �cause you don�t want to seem like some stalker who keeps calling back even though you ARE calling back over and over, but only �cause each time you�re hoping that by some miraculous chance timing will be right and you�ll actually answer? well, i know that feeling �cause it�s what i�m going through right now. where the heck are you?? :) i just want to say happy birthday since i didn�t talk to you yesterday yet either and see if being 23 is as bad as you thought it would be so far. i want to hear you bitch about your mother-in-law being in town and your sucky job. i want to ramble more about this trip and the current happenings (as if you haven�t heard enough about it already...) i want to tell you about the security guy who i think is intrigued by me partially because he found out i was a virgin and doesn�t quite know what to think about that whole matter. i also want to tell you about the whole �are you a virgin?� conversation itself, which was interesting. i want to tell you about, well, just random crap, i guess. i�m ready for this trip to be over. less than a week now. i miss talking regularly on the phone to friends. i miss using the internet regularly. i miss not having to type days and days worth of entries into a word document that i later can cut and paste into diaryland if i�d ever get a second to connect to the internet. i miss being able to socialize with people other than just these 45 people or so on crew. i miss texas. i miss california. i miss texas. i miss home. where is home again? i got a speeding ticket today. i was going 93 in a 70. i made the 5th person on crew to get a speeding ticket in the last 24 hrs. texas state troopers are brutal. and i guess i�m really turning into a l.a. driver. i have to be up and ready at 4:30am to drive an hour away to location to get breakfast to some of the crew by 5:30am. but i get to watch a texas sunrise on a ranch. i�m actually thrilled about it. but i�m just weird like that sometimes. some days, i really can�t believe that i�m on this show. did you get the card i sent? you know, that calling card was meant to call me with, just fyi...so, um, if you ever get a chance to call, that�d be great. :) i know you won�t ever even read this entry until after i probably get a chance to talk to you anyways, but still. i miss talking to you. happy birthday. your best friend,
me
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.