Sunday, April 11, 2004 2:13 a.m.
worn out
i guess i got kinda worn out last night. i cried. in public in front of most of the crew. but i guess it was about time the chaos that is this trip really started to wear me out, huh? and in a weird way, i felt like my emotions needed that good cry � i felt more refreshed after the whole thing. it wasn�t fun at the time though. as much as i�m so ready for this show/trip to be over that i can�t even describe it, i�m also starting to get sad too. i�ve begun to notice the little things that make people who they are and they�re starting to seem like some weird family or something. i also realize that i have some small little crushes on a couple of the guys that i�ll never be able to do anything about. but that�s not too surprising because i tend to like guys only after i�m really able to observe their personalities. and i�ve had a lot of time to observe people�s personalities on this trip. it�s going to be so interesting to see how the show is actually cut together on tv. it�s going to be so weird to know that millions of people are going to watch it, and that just a few, maybe only a thousand, will stay and read the credits. with my name in it. credits are such an ego-trip. no other business demands public recognition like that. but i�ve decided that we have earned the right to feel like our names need to be displayed for everyone to see on tv. we work our asses off. we really do. all those people who work nice cushy jobs and actually have a life away from their jobs will never understand. for the past 5 weeks, this job has been my entire life. even when i�m not �on�, i�m still on. i�m a p.a. (production assistant) at all times, and i must always act that role. i think i�ve worked one 10 hr. day. the rest have been 12-16 hrs. i�m not complaining though. i wouldn�t want to be anywhere else than here. but still, i�m getting exhausted. i can�t imagine being back in l.a. but i will be in 4 more days. it�s so weird.
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying
Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.