Monday, Apr. 19, 2010 7:52 p.m.

so easy to get so far

It's amazing how easy it would be.

In fact, it's kind of scary how possible it could be.

__________
I just spent a good hour or so reading a bunch of my old diary entries. Actual written, pre-diaryland entries, from the Spring of 2000, when I was a freshman in college. Fuck. 10 years. How the crap am I that old already? Where is the world did my life go?

Two things I read stood out to me:
a) I went through a very depressing time in my life the spring of my freshman year...about 10 years ago exactly. It mostly developed while I was questioning my religion and felt that my entire life had possibly been a lie and a delusion. I thought about suicide. I didn't plan it out, but I thought about it: I would have liked to have been dead.

I feel bad for that person back then. I obviously survived and I obviously found things in life to live for and have had many interesting adventures in my life since then.

But I also feel bad for that person back then, because had I been able to foresee 10 years into the future to now, and seen my current entries or feel my current thoughts - I'm not sure my previous self would be inspired enough to push on.

Fuck turning 30 this year.

If I could now see myself in another 10 years fro now - would it give me any hope for my current life?

b) I wrote an entry wondering if I'd ever find a guy to marry. 10 years ago, I'd never even kissed a guy. I wrote a little note to my future self in the entry, saying that I bet that one day I'd be looking back and re-reading that entry and smiling at my silliness and worry. But I reminded my future self not to forget what my then-current self would be feeling and how scary uncertainty and unknowing is. I hoped I would be married one day; I hoped that I would look back with happy contentment, but I didn't really know if I ever would.

I want to parallel this to my current struggle and difficulty in concieving. Will I ever have children? Will I ever know the excitement of finding out I'm pregnant? Will that ever actually happen to me?

Sure, in 10 years, maybe I'll look back on this time in my life and just smile at my silliness over the stress and worry. But I again want to remind my future self. I currently do not know the future. Its open-endedness lends itself to both positive and negative outcomes. I have no way of knowing right now which way things will go...and so these perhaps one-day "silly" thoughts are legitimate to me right now.

However, the one thing that screws up this whole parallel though is: I got married at a very normal, if not young age (24). Once I moved to L.A. I did not feel the pressure to get married, and once I decided and was ready for marriage, we simply got married.

Now at almost 30, I'm entering in the older half of child-bearing. Most married people I know have recently had kids. I do feel pressure. Societal AND biological pressure. I'm ready for a family and have been ready for awhile - but we simply cannot just choose to have a family and then have one. The dynamics of the two, marriage and child-bearing, while similar in some respects, are quite different in many others.

crap. I said I was no longer going to talk about this stuff here, didn't I? I guess I didn't want to log out and then back in before getting this out. Maybe I'll read over this after posting and think about moving it.

__________
Really though, it'd be so easy. I could get so far without being noticed.

previous | next