Wednesday, Apr. 21, 2010 5:58 p.m.

where's my flash-sideways?

K and I have been talking about this for awhile, but the more I think about it, the more I'm pretty sure we've not going to go home for Christmas this year. It would be my very first time not to.

There's no point to it anyone.

We're all too old. Good times with my sisters only exist when we are laughing about old times. We don't share much in common anymore in current times. We just pretend.

Nobody knows me. And I'm so far away that no one can.

My mom tells me that she wishes I could move back, I take that (though I'm sure it's not meant that way) as an indication that I've failed somehow, as though I'm not as good as my other sisters, because they live close. I'm the ones who's disappearing.

I hardly talk to my family. I'm not a phone person and over the past couple years, I'm less and less likely to actually have even an email conversation unless there is something necessary to discuss.

I have no close friends in this city. No one who checks in on me on a regular basis. I have no college friends - most of them all live by each other in Texas and have babies - I'm easily forgotten.

I have K. I have my dog back. But we are a mobile unit; we could be anywhere and our relationship would be the same.

I feel like my life went completely wrong somewhere. This is not where I'm supposed to be. This is not how I'm supposed to be. It's as though I'm on a LOST flash-sideways. I don't have the memories of a parallel life...but I don't feel like I rightly belong on this one.

Something is wrong. Something that I don't think I can get back on track. I'd almost just rather give up and hope to start anew. But I don't know if we're given that chance to do it again. I'm worried that this is it. And it's all fucked up. And this is all I will ever be left with. And for this, I won't be remembered.

I'll continue to drift away. Then I'll be free...but I'm already free. And unhappy.

I've got nothing to offer to anyone an I'm tired of this.

Maybe I'll talk K into saving up a bunch of money over the next couple years and then just running away together somewhere and really being forgotten.

I want to spend Christmas on a Habitat for Humanity trip to Ethiopia, if K will go along with it. I don't care about doing good for the world at all really, I just like the idea of physical labor and being productive.

But I really don't want to go home for Christmas this year. Family has lost its meaning to me; ultimately, we're all just individuals who have to figure it out on our own.

p.s. I turn 29 1/2 tomorrow. I am so close to 30 and so miserable at the thought of it.

previous | next

Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying

Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.