Sunday, Apr. 20, 2014 11:52 p.m.

nervous

I just made myself a small drink. An alcoholic one. And I'm still pregnant. But hey, I'm 39 weeks now, and rather nervous tonight for some reason, and I just sense that things are going to be happening very soon, and at this stage I'm not worried about if the tiny bit of alcohol- from which I will not even get buzzed, though hopefully at least slightly relaxed - could possibly hurt this baby.

I need it.

My mom is coming in town tomorrow afternoon. I honestly and truly think that I'll go into labor within the next 2-3 days. Maybe it's just wishful thinking, who knows and I guess I'll find out, but mentally, I'm just sinking into an acceptable of the challenge I have ahead of me.

And for some reason, I'm so much more nervous about it this time than last time. My labor last time wasn't even that horrendous. Mentally and physically challenging, yes. But after it was over, I knew that - though it was not fun and it wasn't something that I'd ever WANT to do again - that it also somehow wasn't as horrible as I'd thought either and that I COULD do it again if I had to. Or basically, that it wasn't going to stop me from having any kids in the future.

So I know I can do this. I've done it before.

But I'm still so nervous. I feel like my labor will be different this time around. That it will be like a whole new ball game. Maybe that's what I'm nervous about - that it will be different than what I went through with C. Yes, I've done this before, but I've never done THIS birth before.

I think that this whole pregnancy has also been very different. I'm in a different stage in life. Pregnancy was not as exciting this time around. It was more just something to be tolerated. I didn't feel fully ready to be pregnant when I found out a was, and I still don't feel fully ready to have a 2nd child. Our lives are not settled yet. It's still a very nerve-wreaking time. I had hoped that by the time this bay was born that things would have somehow worked out. They still haven't...though now this impending birth has taken all of my focus so that our directionless lives don't seem quite as pressing. Even though they still are.

I think also, that for some reason, I feel like I'm going to be very alone in this labor. I don't know why. It looks like my mom should hopefully be here in time (unless I go into labor in the next couple hours, eek, I hope not!) and as of today, almost all of the big "nesting" stuff has been completed. I should be feeling confident that things are taken care of and will go smoothly.

But I'm still nervous.

Oh, and Happy Easter!

previous | next

Thursday, Aug. 03, 2017 - hello?
Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014 - strange dream
Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 - catholic and friends
Thursday, Sept. 04, 2014 - changing. and I need to go to bed.
Saturday, Aug. 30, 2014 - dreams of dying

Chapters of My Life
Motherhood
Sept. 2011 - now Being a mother.
Isolation&Infertility (&pregnancy)
Aug. 2009 - Sept. 2011 Working from home in a job that I love...that comes with a loneliness I hate. A husband who works too much, and continued failure to start a family. Slowly spiraling, forgotten, into social invisibility. Accepting and experiencing the potential of pregnancy.
First-Year Teacher
Aug. 2008 - Aug. 2009. pretty much the hardest job I hope I ever have. and all the while trying not to admit my secret turmoil over longings for/attempts at/failure to produce what's supposedly supposed to come after love and then marriage...
Optimism
Aug. 2007 - Aug. 2008. finally accepting that becoming a normal grown up is not just inevitable, but preferable. better job situations for both of us. working freelance as a studio teacher, and becoming an egg donor.
Fading Dreams...
Dec. 2006 - July 2007. student teaching, being poor, consistent job rejections, trying to save face while feeling hopeless.
To Live a Life Worth Death...
July 2006 - Nov. 2006. thinking about death a lot, accepting life and my eventual end. career and passions - beginning the path of contribution to what I will leave behind...
Identity Crisis/Marriage
Oct. 2005 - Apr. 2006. new job. new career. new last name. new husband. new life. who was I and what was I becoming?
The Official End to Childhood? II
June 2005 - Sept. 2005. preparing for a life that still felt like pretend. was I really a 'grown-up' already? weird.
The Official End to Childhood? I
Feb. 2005 - June 2005. losing my virginity, getting engaged, changing my career, selling our childhood home...slowly losing everything that held me as a child... (Meet Mr. Mom 4/05 - 5/05. working/travelling on production of my 4th & LAST reality show ever.)
Quarter-Life Crisis/Unemployment
Sept. 2004 - Feb 2005. no steady job for 5 months - definitely not a good place to be. oh, and I fell in love - which is a good place to be, but it kind of only adds to the confusion.
Postlude to the Prelude
Apr. 2004 - May 2004. I had no clue what things were being set in motion...but everything has changed from there.
The Simple Life 2
Mar. 2004-Apr. 2004. not the deepest thinking period of my life, but I learned a heck of a lot about production of a reality tv show.
L.A. #2 - The Real World
Aug. 2003-Feb. 2004.the big move. transplanting my life. ironically not only working in the "real world", but also AT the company that makes The Real World.
That Weird, Here Nor There, Summer
May 2003-Aug. 2003. a college graduate, but not yet in the grown-up world. just existing. and waiting. and thinking.
Goodbye College
Jan. 2003-May 2003. it's a weird thing, the last semester of college. lots of thinking about what lies beyond.
The Semester From Hell
Aug. 2002-Dec. 2002. it was kind of like I tried to cram 4 yrs. of growing-up experiences into one semester.
I've Changed?
Apr. 2002-Aug. 2002. after L.A. and stuck right in-between the two most intense "finding-myself" semesters of my life!
L.A. #1 - Interning/Discovering
Jan. 2002 - Apr. 2002. I finally stepped WAY outside my comfort zone and went where I had no freakin idea what I was doing. Living outside your bubble for awhile really makes you see differently.
Beginnings/Depression
Aug. 2001-Jan. 2002. who I was, and sometimes who I still am. how it started and how it was before.